elly.org / journals

January, 2001

January 6, 2001 - 1:00am

life is nice (because of the internet and my friends)

    this was originally posted at swinney.org. for comments and context, go to the original.

!!!
when i wake up, i immediately check my email if email is available to me. sometimes i pee or putter first but sometimes i have been dreaming about checking my email or the people who might write me or the work i should have been doing, so i roll out of bed and beeline for the machine.

"checking my email" actually means flipping through all my screen sessions and looking for anything of note that may have occured while i was asleep. scrolling back through irc buffers, checking to see what /m messages have arrived on icb during my time of idleness, and looking at my my personal email. it's usually not till later in the day that i deal with workmail and mailing lists.

now, the great thing about this, is that this morning, when i woke up, there were things that had happened since i went to bed that made me laugh and feel joy and love my friends. like this:

<*s5*> i'm stoned

<*s5*> the simpsons is really funny

it might not be really funny to YOU that my diminuitive gayish friend steve was stoned, but i love steve and know him so well, and waking up to the thought of him stoned, drooling, and guffawing at the simpsons really sets my day off right. i mean, this morning, i started my day with this, affection and laughter, brought to me by the internet! it's so cool!

ok thanks.


January 8, 2001 - 1:00am

lift my childhood trauma

    this was originally posted at swinney.org. for comments and context, go to the original.

<le> you guys

<le> i just had a childhood trauma lifted

<le> austin i'm going to type this out, i want you to put it on your site on my behalf

<le> i'm too sleepy to do it

<le> so here

<le> i was walking down the street with peter and i mentioned that today i saw a kelly green el camino

<le> and he didn't know what color kelly green is

<le> so i explained it to him

<robotec9> ok

<le> and in explaining, i had a childhood memory of my mother making pep squad costumes for the other girls in my third grade class

<le> because, they had to have kelly green underpants to wear with their outfits, cuz it was a school color

<le> and that is how i learned what color kelly green is, because of these cheerleader underpants. in lawton oklahoma in the early 80s.

<le> it was around this time that i developed my affinity for el caminos as well.

<le> but, the childhood trauma that was lifted was not really related

<le> i called my mother to ask her to remind me about the pep squad uniforms and during the phone call i remembered that during that year i was in a school talent show

<le> i sang "that's what friends are for"

<le> and until today i carried with me the memory of being very bad in this talent show

<le> because no one had let me practice singing into a microphone, so when i went out on stage and my voice was amplified i tweaked out

<le> so, i have always felt upset about this talent show.

<le> but tonight, my mother informed me that i was not bad in the talent show

<le> she and i have not spoken of this talent show for at least 10 years.

<le> but she told me that i was actually GOOD in the talent show, despite what i may think

<le> so i'm feeling a lot better about everything now.

<le> also i ate dinner so i think that helps.

<le> the end.


January 10, 2001 - 11:38am

hot topic

so much shit to give and give in to.

...

my head is spinning. i have better things to do.

<le> i just want to be left alone to make art

...

new irc channel. nice refreshing change.

...

i'll tell you a secret. the woodstock documentary puts a lump in my throat. i'm so incredibly inspired by it. i saw it again recently and i've been thinking about it almost every day since.


January 11, 2001 - 1:00am

morning. my nutrition lacks.

    this was originally posted at swinney.org. for comments and context, go to the original.

breakfast: grapes. coffee. cookies. coffee. grapes. cookies. coffee.

go in the kitchen, look at the loaf of bread i bought yesterday. peer at the avocado sitting next to it. try to imagine how bread and avocado can work together to equal a nutritive (if that's not a word i don't care) breakfast.

i've got a muscle spasm in my back. caused by a pinch nerve in my neck. caused by typing. caused by a need to feel connected. caused by... the human condition.


January 25, 2001 - 1:00am

i am safe in my friends

    this was originally posted at swinney.org. for comments and context, go to the original.

i have a lot of upheaval and things getting broken and relationships being inconsistent. but then i go read xep's site and am reminded that i love xep a lot and she isn't going anywhere. and if i contact her she will always be xep, and i think she will always like me. once i said to her that she could say anything to me and it could never change my initial judgement of her, which was that i am tremendously fond of her.

also xep has a qq, who comes to my house and rescues me when i have not had coffee. sometimes we go to sushi and talk about many things, some of which are totally nonsensical and some of which are importantly truthful.

and i go to their house sometimes and am allowed to lay between them in bed and be accepted and spoken to in quiet voices. and they fall asleep and i gather my socks in the dark and tiptoe out past the ferret cage in the hall. trip out onto hayes street with a feeling of unparalleled wellbeing because i know them and it's all ok.


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