i could not deal with the plethora of personality in my moldmaking
class tonight. don't get me wrong, i am fond of my classmates, but
tonight it was just too much.

let me back up. i take a moldmaking class at the crucible every monday
night. i am learing how to make silicone, alginate, and plaster molds
of objects. i am making a silicone mold of a cow(?) vertebra that
kristie gave me to use.

going to class is a multi-tiered journey, involving a bart ride and a
long walk through suburban/industrial sprawl of seedy south
berkeley. otherwise known as oakland. i have to walk by some projects, some
vacant stores and some poorly lit liquor stores to make my way to the
warehouse where my class happens. this alone can be too much for the
soul. kids on bikes scream at my hair. people scream out their
windows. the neighborhood feels distinctly rowdy. there are lots of
"beware of dog" signs.

but the class. oh the personalities.

the majority of the students are older than me. they are accomplished
artists already, most of them. sculptors. a jewelry maker, a glass
blower. a dollmaker. the wild world of artistic berkeley
thirtysomethings finds me nonplussed.

the thirtysomethings have hit it off. i arrive and they are chatting
blithely about methods of metal pouring. they have war stories about
their times in the studio. that one time they accidentally set
something on fire with molten glass, that one hilarious dye mixup, ha
ha hee hee. oh we should go for coffee. oh i'd LOVE to hear about your
work. oh i'd love to come weld in your welding studio! ha ha hee hee,
coffee's on me this time. after a few weeks of bringing each other
coffee, one of the thirtysomethings brought a coffee maker to class. chortle!

i am made uncomfortable by the mirth of the thirtysomethings. they
seem serious even in their mirth. and impatient in some way. they
don't really talk to me. sometimes i hover near
them, trying to learn from the technique they are using on their
projects. mostly though, i feel the lack of eye contact and the chilly
west bay east bay divide. twenty something thirty something divide.

so, today, i was already overwhelmed by sleepiness and
thirtysomethings when my world was further disturbed by the fact that
my dreadlocked french classmate, my one pal, brought in her french
boyfriend. much franciose babbling ensued. my french pal tries to make
molds of things that are difficult and seemingly
pointless, like passionfruit. it is too bad that the passionfruit
rotted inside the layers of silicone in the week between classes. she
is delicious in her artistic bumbling. constantly making misteps, but
so vigilant and unperturbed. last week
she was sticking plaster and gauze on a prickly pear. but she forgot
the vaseline, and the plaster got stuck.

so the frenchies were babbling, the thirtysomethings were chit
chatting in new age radio voices over mugs of starbucks, and another
classmate called philippe was pouring silicone over a jerry garcia lawn
dwarf. i am in berkeley. i am in berkeley. i am in berkeley. i
went home early.

...

may 14; are you still there?

not happy with my writing at all lately, and not much to say.
new piercings, both conches, bad pain,
pics here.

can't get a word in edgewise. care less and less.

it's 2am. steve and i are having a quiet night in the living room, clacking clicking type typing away on our respective laptops, ostensibly "working." peter is upstairs asleep, no doubt dreaming of his future as one of those Bike People who ride mountain bikes around and wear clothing from REI.

if i walk into the kitchen, there is carnage as far as the eye can see. chunks of uncooked squash languish in a bowl, and a mutilated finger of ginger rests on the cutting board, forgotten. bread wrappers, empty hummus container, two chocolate bar wrappers, empty can of cashews. an enormous soup pot is on the stove, its sides are coated in butternut squash soup, but it is empty. we have devoured everything vegan in sight, we are so fat with life.

recently i have been researching diet sites on the internet, because i got a job helping a webhouse in san diego re-do a diet site. i have been scouring these sites, reviewing their features, and trying not to think too hard about the societal issues behind dieting, the need to diet, the desire to diet, etc.

but it's hard. i was once a chubby girl. i am 5'9" and i weighed almost 200 pounds at my heaviest. i was not fat. but i was big enough that shopping was a chore. i never felt the need to diet. i didn't care.

then, i went vegetarian. then a few months later, i went vegan. i did yoga. i am not sure why i did those things. i think sometimes i just do things because i know they are what needs to happen. it's instinctual. my spirituality is often instinctual. we can talk about that another time.

so, i went vegan and i lost fifty pounds. and i didn't even mean to. i did not do these things to lose weight. i did them because they felt good.

about 8 months after going vegan, i was my perfect body weight. i had extra skin hanging off my body. i would slather myself with cocoa butter every night trying to get the three inches (i'm not joking) of excess skin on my tits to shrink back up (it did, but it took a year).

it was amazing, my body's way of thanking me! i was comfortable everywhere, things fit me, i sat differently in chairs and felt less awkward. in some ways, it was frustrating. i got all new clothes after the first 20 pounds then i lost another 20 and had to do it all over again.

i would find my bones. i had never really noticed them before. once, sitting in bed with jeff, i found my shoulder blade. i reached an arm around my chest, grabbed at it: "what is this!" i was so excited. "what is this thing sticking out! what the fuck!" he snorted and whispered in my ear, stage whisper: IT'S YOUR SHOULDERBLADE.

so i look at these diet sites, with their daily food intake journals and java chat rooms, and i worry about the housewives who are writing down everything they eat. i remember that part of losing weight for me was just being happy. being mindful, fulfilling my own needs, eating only what i truly needed and what i wanted, what i could spiritually fathom. what my body was asking me for. it was like i finally knew myself, all of myself, body included. i wish these women knew themselves too!

i know this vegan evangelism will probably piss someone off. i want you to know i'm not preaching. this is not about preaching. i don't care what you eat. i just want you to be happy. i want you to have thought about it.

sometimes it's good to remind yourself who you are, and what you identify with. i am doing that tonight. i have been callous recently, i have forgotten my yoga practice, my meditation, my spirituality. i have forgotten why i try not to eat the products of suffering lives. i have been gossiping, speculating, spouting disinterested negativity about the people in my life.

i am relearning my gentleness. i want to tap into the part of myself that i found in 1999, a person that couldn't help but page friends with joy at the beauty of the sky. i want to appreciate every moment and every bite of food and every fat vegan dinner with loved ones. i want to touch austin's shoulder when he is cranky. i want to remember to make coffee for steve if i wake up before him, and i want to bring chaya soup when she is sick.

do you understand? we are fat, fat vegans.

------------------: (before and after)

five activities often happening where steve and elly live on the hill

1. depraved amounts of eating, sometimes in groups
2. dawn discussions of consciousness, religion, drugs, the future, art
3. chasing the cat out of the crawl space
4. sitting in the hot tub
5. discussing astrology

five thoughts had while riding bitch on one of xep and eric's motorcycles

1. i love you/life/sky/city
2. how can i distill what i want to express into a small enough sentence that it can be uttered at the next stop light and understood (often "peem" or "mew" seems to suffice).
3. yipe yipe yipe
4. we are so cool
5. vivid fear of auto related death

five things i can see out my bedroom window

1. the sky
2. an extremely fictitious looking magical wonderful towering tree
3. the swing, gently swaying in the breeze
4. gemini/virgo gardeners moving things around for inexplicable reasons
5. yappy punt dog owned by angry neighbors

five things i do to groom myself on a semi-daily basis

1. pluck eyebrows
2. apply moisturizing sunscreen to face to avoid premature UV RAY related aging
3. apply peach scented lotion ("you smell like a scented 'my little pony'") to body in hopes of making boys want to eat me
4. put tea tree oil or tom's of maine deodorant in armpits, depending on desired hippie level
5. brush teeth, preferably while standing in shower