elly.org / journals

August, 2002

August 3, 2002 - 6:43am

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i love the way people smell when they sleep. their personal smell gets amplified and sometimes takes over the whole room. i used to think that josh just smelled like nag champa because it was in his hair, but after he slept in my bed last night i realized that he just smells like nag champa. it eminates from his pores. sleepless, i just lay there smelling him.


August 3, 2002 - 10:40pm

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oh, come on, you pussy: 

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02:43:05 https://anon.ssl.anonymizer.com/http://www.elly.org/

August 4, 2002 - 10:11pm

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fuck, i'm completely manic. that's all i can figure. i haven't slept very much for the past three days. three hours a night, a few nights in a row. i just stay awake thinking. thinking. thinking. i just realized, while prattling on in sleep deprived mania to qq, what needs to happen. i am going to make a list of all the topics that i would like to consider. hopefully after the list is made, i will be able to sleep, because i will be comforted by the fact that the tangents are bookmarked.

NEED TO CONSIDER... 

-ancient meanings of jupiter and saturn vs modern day meanings
-possible tattoo of jupiter symbol on inner left wrist
-poem about the word hallelujah
- jungian theory of collective unconcious  
- past life regression therapy and possibly explain it away by falling back on jungian ideas
- personal adornment as means of self expression
-  recent foray into leadership at work and lessons learned therein
- possibility of newly available simplicity in life upon return home
- school
- my saturn square sun aspect, possibly email jamie in a panic about  that later this week
- my relationship with verbal communication, language
- possibility that i got lyme and that's why i'm manic
- possibility that i'm paranoid
- reason for lack of intense intellectual prattle at omega

ok i'm going to try and sleep now


August 10, 2002 - 1:15am

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been drinking too much coffee and eating too much sugar. life goes in cycles, no?

at 1pm i was in my pajamas lounging in bed with a big cup of coffee with sugar and soymilk. i was reading (still reading song of the lark after a hiatus, almost done now), and also just staring into space, and also admiring the pine tree that covers the entire front of my dorm. i feel like i live inside the pine tree. it is most of what i can see out my window.

it was breezy and the breeze came into my window. some people were sitting outside. he was out there playing guitar and singing a song he likes about bombing korea. i like how much people change when they perform. some people, their whole personality changes when they get with their guitar, or when they get behind a microphone. quiet people become loud. wounded people become confident.

later he came in my room and we talked about sex for a long time. this seems to happen when he's around. i think he's torturing himself somehow, intellectually irritating his own undirected lust. he sat around in my bed smelling like incense and using his tongue to form words about coitus. it would be a flirtation, a problem, but for the fact that i'm really past the time of my life where i fuck people just because i can, because they're around, because it would be interesting, because i could write about it later, because i can't think of a better way to know them. i can think of a better way to know him. experimentation that ends in damage and drama is too time consuming. i'd rather read. if it was two years ago i'd be in his bed right now doing something sloppy.

this job i have here, it really makes my fingernails dirty.

tonight we sat in a huge field watching the beginnings of the meteor shower. he showed me the stars he knows and i showed him the ones i know. he told me that in mexico the stars look so close that you feel like you could reach up and grab one and put it in your mouth. i'd caught him on his way to the cafe to find her. he doesn't really want to find her though, he just wants to find someone. but maybe later when i left him there under the stars, he resumed his trajectory toward her. i won't know until he tells me in whispers a week from now, confused, childish, ashamed maybe and covering it with detached prattle. or maybe nothing that complex, just telling me.

i feel serious, discerning, unyeilding, impatient, unknown, cold, and desperate for a way to balance those emotions. systems are shutting down. i'd like to feel a childlike joy and wonder. i'd like to be so joyous and feel so lucky that the only response is to give myself orgasms. i'd like to feel cradled, warm, safe, and loved. right now things just feel tough and i feel tough too.

i just had a moment of contempt for my stupid bright hair. it's so lame and cloying. what am i doing? why do i need to be so obvious? HEY LOOK AT ME AREN'T I COUNTER CULTURE WITH MY TATTOOS AND BRIGHT RED HAIR? ugh. it's not even that i'm pissed at myself for outwardly manifesting my alignment with subcultures, it's that i don't get why i can't do it in some understated or more serious way. i guess it just goes back to me feeling serious and severe. the hair really isn't cutting it. i want to dye it black and sit around snarling and judging other people. that's the mood.


August 20, 2002 - 1:59am

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at 2am, i am alone in the production office. today, i was barefoot a lot. it was so warm and breezy. i walked up the hill to visit megan, who is an unlikely newfound friend here at omega. she reminds me to have fun. i trust her infinitely, the only thing i know how to do with someone who has so many things in earth signs. megan megan three planets in virgo, three in capricorn, lets have babies, lets eat food, lets be good with money love love love.

so, i'm still barefoot and an unexpected rain has begun out there at 2am. it sounds delicious. soon i will dash through it to my warm dry home, where i will stay up far too late reading the rest of "the song of the lark" and squirreling around in my bed saying "ohhhrrmmmyumyumyum" with no one to hear me, but thinking of peter while i do it, thinking how he would pet me and say "you're making little noises!"

i want to know everyone's secrets right now. NOW :( :( :(

my hair is long enough to wear in little dready buns. this pleases me. i have been feeling pretty lately, i am tan and rosy and i have new muscles and i am so myself, an entity unto my own. a walking breathing elly.

i was getting cabin fever at omega, a little. i was feeling trapped and irritated and burnt out. as we speed toward fall, i feel safe and happy again. i knew i would come back around. i think september is going to be beautiful. i knew august would be rough.

i'm working fulltime now. my stay here is a lot about work, my time at work, but i've been having so much fun at work that it feels really good. i really don't get how i ended up in the department i ended up in here, and how it turned out to be so perfect. it feels like some sort of holy fellowship, the production department.
even the personality differences seem so right in place with what needs to exist.

i feel cradled by omega right now, everything seems warm and friendly. i feel a great acceptance, both in myself and in the people around me.

so yes, much working, moving of chairs, calm cruising through warm breezes in the cart, and when not working: walking barefoot through soft dirt and tree roots, reading, napping, the return of drinking coffee, studying astrology, studying in general.

haven't been writing enough.

i feel like this is the first summer of my life that is a true summer.


August 26, 2002 - 12:03am

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i found a bag of sage in a classroom, while i was cleaning. dusty grey leaves encased in plastic. i thought, for some reason, that they must belong to therese, even though i have never talked to her and do not know much about her besides that she is a shaman of some sort. i wanted to keep the sage but i saw therese at lunch and showed it to her. is this yours? dangling the bag up. she shook her head. i explained that i'd found the sage in a classroom. she said i think it was meant to go to you. validated by the shaman, i put my sage away into my pocket.

tonight i got very restless and felt like something needed to happen. i groaned a lot and wiggled impatiently in my chair. josh came to see me and sat across from me, shaking his head. he said, YOU NEED A RELEASE. he was right. he put his sweaty sauna towel over my head and slapped at my body yelling crazy things and telling me i was having therapy and being cured of my addictions. he's always slapping thoughtlessly at my ears. i'm always telling him that they hurt a lot because of the conch piercings, but he doesn't heed me. so there i was with his sweaty towel over my head, my sore ears being walloped, however gently, and being yelled at. it kind of helped. i went and cleaned my room.

i listened to bright eyes and threw a lot of things away. next door, chris angel's room is empty and has become a sort of lounge. people were there listening to ani difranco, then pj harvey, then ween. i enjoy speaking to the lounge briefly through the window. basically i enjoy speaking honestly and briefly then running away.

i am craving physical contact so much that it's affecting my mood. i realized today after josh lay platonically on me for some time that i was feeling much better afterward. i stroked his back for a while and he curled up wordlessly on my chest and belly. after he kissed me on the cheek and left, i felt so much calmer. before that i'd been walking around feeling like a rabid dog or something. hugs are pretty good but i'm thinking i need some extended cuddles to feel ok.


August 28, 2002 - 8:27am

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been working on rounding up a lot of my poetry for the poetry slam tonight. spent most of last night and some of this morning on it, editing, pruning, preening. my confidence is bipolar at the moment. i figure the secret to being happy with your art is just to look at it so much that you can't even think about it anymore, that you don't even know what it is. you just know that it is. it exists. after staring at your poetry for hours and changing one word then changing it back, you start to give up on perspective and critical inquiry.

in other news, the sunrise was enormously fuscia today as i cruised through the trees on one hour of sleep. i began to slap the seat of the golf cart as if it were my horse. i'm drinking a vat of green tea, i'm eating a lot of fruit. someone told me i might smell because i'm too acidic! and to eat more fruit. that's easy right now because the place is overrun with nectarines.

i have a tattoo appointment on the 10th. peter will be here in three days. the weather is getting colder. megan the comforting earth sign goddess of southern california lets me sleep on her tent platform in the forest. i've been a good vegan, and i'm tearing through book after book.


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