i'm feeling peaceful enough that it's hard to consider what to tell the internet today. in general, i suppose i would most like you to know that i'm doing a lot better than i was last week. taking my vitamins and looking after myself is good. there have been leaps and bounds in the area of accepting myself. i wish i could explain all the thoughts i have had, but it would be hard tonight, and too personal anyway.
i've dyed my fauxhawk pink.

though a lot has happened, the words aren't coming. i just wanted you to know i'm doing better.

the night is not too cold. here in san francisco, people are watching harold and maude in dolores park. from our sublet i can hear them cheering.

oliver is going to new mexico to help voters, on monday. though tonight we met a man selling a ford falcon who could disrupt all plans. he was on his way to see harold and maude, his pretty girlfriend zipping herself into her puffy vest as they got out of the falcon.

i had a fantasy of making yoko into one of those traveling cats who loves to be in cars. i got her a little harness, imagining taking her on little kitty walks at rest stops. when i put it on her tonight, she tried to walk backwards but also let me pet her. after i took it off i gave her dinner, so she will have good associations. harness = dinner

i crave a kombucha. thank you, portland.

i'm scanning in all of our polaroids from burning man. and perhaps anything else which is around. i feel artistic. i want to redesign my website too, but that's probably not going to happen. since we're going to dance in a few hours. that will be art too.

i have been thinking a lot in the past few days, though not had the time to turn the thoughts into language, even inside my own head. just abstracts - do you think without words? if not, you should try. to think without vision, without images. this is not thinking, maybe, it's feeling.

today i went to dolores park cafe and re-invested myself in rupert sheldrake's Platonic biological theory as i drank the requisite iced coffee drink. at this point the paper i've been meaning to write is something i must accomplish just to fulfill myself somehow.

i went to a couple of vinyasa ("flow") yoga classes last week and it was really inspiring. it reminded me of when i first started doing yoga with domini and it put me so much in my body - gave me a greater understanding of it. i'm excited about yoga again, and interested in pushing myself. though not necessarily pushing myself as hard as that level 2-3 class that toshok coerced me into going to the other night.

i feel the PMS coming on today. it's so total, it begins as just a certain feeling in the head. a headache, fuzziness. it really is 'a haze.' i took extra vitamin b and i'm prepared to ride it out. oliver has gone to albuquerque and i'm thankful to have the chance to see how this manifests when i'm alone, as opposed to having someone to direct the random anger and fear at.

i have been working really hard on myself and learning a lot. accepting myself more and trying harder not to judge other people. i haven't been writing down as many things. something about going to the yoga classes made me feel really strong and confident, and i'm trying to hang onto that and do it more.

i'm re-evaluating a lot of my goals and thinking about changing the types of pressure i put on myself. i dropped out of kepler, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is their curriculum change of recent years. other reasons include lack of accreditation, and the lack of financial aid which follows lack of accreditation. beyond that, distance learning isn't working very well for me. i would like to have some kind of community or touchstone in the physical world. so i find myself again faced with the challenge of trying to get a BA, as i get older and older, and i'm still at square one. some days it seems daunting and pointless. but i keep trying.

god, i feel really out of it.

i'm going to try to sleep early i think.

it is hot in sf. the city is hazy with smoke from north bay fires. therapy was insane today, and there seemed to be a lot of crazy people on the street. i'd like to somehow correlate the amount of intense people on the street to the fires. someone asked me where the needle exchange was. i loved so much that he asked, like it was asking for the nearest walgreens. i think i'd be into working at the needle exchange.
now i'm sitting around in nothing but my lamb undies eating chips and salsa and thinking about every possible thing under the sun. if you think there is something i'm forgetting to think about, please, email me.

i got sick yesterday from too much thai food and my appetite remains sketchy as a result. i'm going to go get myself a soda, but i guess i'll put some clothes on first.

things i would tell oliver if he had cellphone service in rural new mexico:

- you are working to help change the world!
- today i saw a baby blue barracuda, fuck, it was sweet!
- the city is hazy and yellow, you would think it was weird
- the mural at church and 15th is so fucking amazing. i never stopped to look at it fully until today, and it's sooooo fucking out of control amazing. i think you should come back to sf JUST to look at it.
- i found another thing to take a polaroid of, because of the mural
- drive carefully!
- i'm naked!

hi there. i flew to new mexico to meet up with oliver, who was here working with the democratic party in albuquerque. this is a swing state so he figured he would come help here, and i tagged along. we have been driving around witnessing voting machine certification in different counties, plus getting our road trip on. it's so fucking beautiful here. i don't know when i'll be back in SF or in brooklyn, but maybe not till after the election.

here are pictures so far, perhaps i will present them better later.

the very large array may be the most beautiful thing i've ever seen in my life. it's really something at dusk.

i'm doing good, i'm stable, and optimistic about life. but i'm not inspired. i guess i might trade inspiration, art, and beauty for stability. especially after the past year.

a long day of being in SF, my friends appearing out of the woodwork when i was threatened with loneliness. i resolved to call and contact and show appreciation for the support this town has given me. give affection, get affection. trust in abundance.
tonight i sit reading and realize that i'm just tapping the trackpad repeatedly, a tic of sorts, while i read pals rambling into aim and try to make sense of it. heidi isn't awake but if she were she'd tell me about the red sox and the world series and how it has to do with the eclipse. i watched the eclipse out of the window on the hill, the rising moon big and fat over the whole city, while chloe slept curled in a ball on the chair, small and quiet but i know she's filled with thoughts.

i feel honored by my friends and my life tonight, happy to be in it and thankful that people have stuck with me even when i made mistakes and behaved badly.

somewhere in texas there is a passionate girl in a prison who i would like to write a letter to.

a long time ago i listened to a song with the lyrics "and i will see you tomorrow, calm and bright in tender light" and i think of it constantly, even though i haven't heard it in years. i think of it now.

oliver sleeps at this moment, many pieces of native american pottery near him on top of shelves full of books, in the home of two very nice attorneys in new mexico. a blanket with a southwestern print covers him. just outside his window there is desert grass growing in tufts on the lawn. the phone is on the bedside table, maybe glowing at times, when it receives information from somewhere in the sky. emails, text messages. he'll sleep on, oblivious to light it casts in the room.

there are so many other things to say.

also:

I WANT MY FUCKING RECORDS SO BAD. I WANT TO LISTEN TO THE SONG 'NEW PARTNER' BY WILL OLDHAM. PALACE MUSIC. SAD. RECORDS.

goodnight.