pls excuse possible obscure post if you are not astrologically oriented.

mercury went retrograde today. i'm still considering the fact that it's retrograde in pisces - haven't thought about the details of that, or looked at the aspects it will make in my chart during this retrograde period. (but i started to get an inkling just as i typed that sentence. hm.) in any case, i write this entry mainly to acknoweldge to myself that thing could get haotic over the next 3 weeks. i am not sure they will - intuivitely right now, i feel steady and okay and there is no elaborate trouble on the horizon.

however i just want to try and remember, if there is chaos, that i've been doing really well in the past month just looking after myself, yoga'ing, and accepting and soothing my own stress. generally i think i have been really kicking ass. i have dropped a lot of the sentimental upset that causes me to have problems navigating the day to day during stressful times, but kept myself honest and open and sincere at the same time. i really didn't think the two COULD be separated, so it's been really freeing to realize that i can be real and be myself without wallowing so deeply in attachment to memories, routines, patterns. and without feeling so much fear and loss at the slightest provocation. i owe so much of this to my surgery, and so much to just listening to my own need to stay put in one place, i think.

truly it has been a rather amazing few months.

oh what was i saying? shit. yeah. mercury is going retrograde. and though i don't expect total clarity during the next three weeks, i would like to give myself permission to remember that whatever confusion comes is part of the whole picture, and that the lessons i've learned in the past couple of months can be carried with me into this retrograde phase. NO NEED TO FLIP OUT. could be a very good time of integration of the last few month's lessons, especially as the final conclusion of this winter's *venus* retrograde cycle is happening this week.

i am so excited to see what happens! with everything in the world!!! including my life, which is full of interestingness!!!

ps

merc goes direct on march 24th.

you know, i may be yet another loser with a laptop at ritual, but at least i don't have my f'in ipod headphones on. there are levels of antisocialness here, and being at a coffeeshop with headphones on just seems a level beyond.

ps. i do, however, enjoy it when cute indie rock girls walk by, and they are wearing tshirts with birds on them. and maybe they're not wearing a bra.

by evening i was not depressed anymore. i applied macchiato, cake, burrito, stupid walk through the rain, easy art history midterm, cab ride home, long hot bath. yes.

not too excited about things. the rain, maybe, causes a certain lack of forward motion and lack of external excitement. last week i had a horrible time waking up, but i managed to remain productive at work, do ok (i think) on my art history midterm, run at least one errand that i required of myself, clean up the kitchen and bathroom, and generally get by. i'm definitely feeling some drudgery and sadness, though. all i can do is keep trying, keep coming up with ideas to get excited about, keep trying to think of things i want to do to the apartment to make it mine, keep trying to face the weird reality of my life. sometimes i feel really scared about the future.
some things to get excited about:
impending new laptop!
possibility of doing readings at nightclubs again
megan will be here next week!
krishna das at mission dolores next week!
yoga tomorrow!
coffee in the morning!

i am a robot
i get up, go to work
i feel nothing, i want for nothing
make task lists, check items off

...

why were there helicopters over the mission last night? at around 11pm/midnight?

...

edited to add:
beep beep boop boop doot beep beep
beeeep.
*whirring robot sounds*

i lost my special pink umbrella last week. the umbrella meant a lot to me, because i got it at the umbrella store in new york city during an important time of my life. in a way, i was relieved that it had finally been lost. sometimes when i admired the pink umbrella, i would feel sad about its impending loss or eventual decay. now that it's gone, i don't have to be constantly reminded, by its mere presence, that it will someday be left in a taxicab. if you know what i mean.

i just spent an hour and a half in the bathtub reading margaret atwood - cat's eye. i had to run the hot water three times to warm it back up. best.
yesterday after yoga i was remembering to thank my body. i love my body so much, it does so many good and nice things so that i can keep experiencing the world. it lets me taste things and feel my bed and the air. it's awesome. every day is so full of so many sensations! it's very exciting.