today, i went to brunch with oliver and oofie and tuggy. i was feeling very animated and was punching and kicking everyone a lot. gently. tuggy has lost so much weight i can wrap my arms all the way around him and actually do damage by frogging him in the arm! very exciting. oofie was being extra charming to make me feel even more sad that he's leaving for NYC tomorrow, and oliver's eyes seemed especially bright blue. and we had mimosas and bellinis. and i ate delicious flatbread. and then we took a fieldtrip to go get coffee at bluebottle.
then we came home and oliver cleaned up our stuff in the basement and i laid in bed and melted into the mattress with complete coziness and read the internets a bit and mostly just laid there.

then megs came over and was wearing quite a few different drapey clothing items and we went to cafe gratitude and talked about many things. then we came home and worked on her website, which i will put up in a few mins, and the breaker blew once because of the space heater, and i went down and flipped it back over, and while i was in the back yard i thought about how i will miss the backyard if i move, which i am very seriously considering doing.

and oofie leaves tomorrow. but he's leaving me his free weights, which is good, because i can get really buff using them and then kick his ass for leaving next time i see him.

oliver is also leaving tomorrow, for chicago, but he's coming back in a week. i will miss all the oofs, but i get the house to myself and am going to space out completely and float around flakily making messes with no one to witness them.

there is a lot going on.
I have given notice on my apartment, and I have to be out by Feb 8. I don't have another place lined up yet, and honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I'll do. I'm going to look at a really cute one bedroom tomorrow that's in Bernal Heights. I definitely feel like I could find a one bedroom apartment that I love and move stuff into it, but I'm worried because it's going to be pretty spendy to do that. I was feeling a yearning to have my own space, where I can leave the same CD on repeat for days and no one will care, where I can listen to records all the time, and where there is less stuff and less space to care for.
But I feel worried about the cost of a one bedroom...

... and I feel worried about myself and my relationship because Oliver and I don't really care to move in together again. Maybe we're just non traditional people with a lot of Aquarius and Sagittarius in our charts, freedom needers, friends at heart. Or maybe we just aren't super passionate? Or maybe now is just a time for me to be in my own space and independent. I don't know which of those it is, really, and I don't know what, if any, value judgement I would make if I did know. It's weird to be older and not desperately NEED someone, but just want them and their company for pleasure's sake, it makes it seem like everyone is so optional, and maybe disposable if they are no longer fun, and that's new to me. clearly that isn't the way to feel, but i haven't gotten to the end of understanding this yet.

One thing I don't feel, which I'm glad for, is yearning sentimental attachment to this apartment. I worry about my lack of sentimentality lately, but I also am relieved to not have to have intense feelings about every tiny corner of this house like I have about other places left behind. My time here, despite it being my safe haven while Oliver and I were broken up last year, which should have led to attachment, has been fairly blasé and uninteresting.* Not too many strong memories were made here, and the ones that were made have been pretty disassociated from the place itself and had more to do with people. It never felt like much of a home, even though I have been here I think longer than I've lived in any one house or apartment in my life (over two years).

It makes me sad to type that out... how sad that this was never a gentle 'home' for me. I wonder if I will ever feel that way again about a place. If I could just let go into something - a person, place, or idea - again, I could maybe feel really passionately sentimental and in love and vulnerable and fascinated and all those things. But, honestly, internet, I haven't really been able to let go into anything ("trust" i guess) since I broke up with Peter. I really think I broke something inside of myself then and I don't know how to fix it. It's been so long that it no longer has anything to do with Peter or wanting anything from that time BACK. I just want to be able to lose myself in things and feel again. Maybe it is impossible, maybe it is a lack of innocence, maybe it is Saturn.

in addition to all these complex feelings about the apartment, i have basic ones, which are: i'm sick of trying to figure out what to do with all the space, and i'm sick of trying to keep it clean, and i'm sick of trying to hustle rent every month.

* note to oof: you are not blasé and uninteresting, and when you and i were in the same room of this house, with kitties too, it felt more like home than it maybe ever did, but any room would feel that way with you in it.

anyway, if I don't find a place by Feb 1 or so, I will just move everything into storage and couch surf for a while, or stay in a sublet or something like that.

what else.

peter's server, still.hungry.com, has suffered major woes in the last couple of weeks. my homedir there was 7 years old, and this week i moved all my stuff off of there and deleted a lot of it, too. objectively, to rationalists like the people who surround me every day, it's not related to anything, but in mind, it seems pretty tied up together with all my recent thoughts about the past and home, and with moving. if you have a shell account with a very old homedir, you will understand how wrapped up and attached we get to these virtual distributed mindspaces and their hosts. i am sad to lose another connection to previous times. but also relieved to have scattered my homedir and email to new, neutral and safe virtual homes.

...

it's totally stupid to put this here after writing that huge post, but the only reason i even came here to write was to say how excited i am about getting this mug:

because i want to latch it to my bag with a carabeener and get my to go coffee in it so that i am doing my part to use less paper. it costs $3. tonight on chat i told oliver that i want this mug more than an iPhone, and that is totally true.