February, 2007

Mar 8

SXSWSSXSWSSXXSWWSSX

Mar 8

oh it's a lot, but it was only supposed to be about the cockettes

Feb 24

current status

Feb 8

i have been thinking about riding my bike to work

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moar: thru 1996

RSS. how to read remotely.

February 4, 2007 - 11:31pm

cats

we just transported the cats from my old apartment to oliver's. franklin meowed loudly the whole ride over, just like he did when he was tiny and we brought him home from the SPCA. mrowl. mrowl. mrowl! mrow. mrrowl! yoko is quiet and attentive to her surroundings whenever these kinds of things go on. when we let them out, yoko decided franklin was the enemy again and hissed at him, and franklin was very perturbed and confused and ran around in circles yowling. now yoko is actively securing the perimeter and frankles is hiding. i hope all will be well by morningish.

February 5, 2007 - 6:41pm

moving

moving is always emotional. even if you're totally fine with the actual move and not even sad about leaving the place, just the process of touching everything you own is bound to bring some tears here and there.

February 6, 2007 - 7:13pm

comfort

sometimes, i put my hair up in pins to take a shower and just leave it like that all day.
sometimes, oliver kisses my ears on his way to or from my cheeks or eyes, and it makes a specific sound no one hears but me.

February 13, 2007 - 2:55pm

notes

1. mercury will go retrograde in pisces tomorrow. we can talk about this and how it affects you if you need to. email me. (ps. i still owe chart readings to a couple of people - schedule a TIME with me)
2. i'm kinda thinkin that wordpress is a lot easier to use than movable type, especially for uploading images and including them in posts. i am not using it for elly.org, in fact i'm trying to migrate elly.org into drupal so i can put my money where my mouth is. but i am using it for another project right now and it's nice. i haven't interacted with the dreaded loop yet though.

3. re, putting elly.org into drupal, drupal 5.x is super nice. the CCK and views modules are much better integrated, and that is fantastic because those are the modules that make drupal flexible and usable for custom sites. also vast interface improvements. the bad news is that now i need to upgrade the drupal installation on oof.org. the good news is that there aren't really any sites in it yet.

4. this morning i checked on the plants that i'd put out on the back porch at olivers. the palm tree is sticking straight up cheerfully and the sage is blooming amazingly. before i moved i pruned the sage and picked off all the whitefly larvae so i think that's part of it, but there's nothing like actual rain.

5. i'm hoping to start a blog about second life soon.

6. living with oliver is so fucking awesome.

7. it's pretty great if there are events in your life that are so detailed and amazing and ethereal that you can't even begin to comprehend how you'd do them justice by describing them in words. this weekend's party was something like that. it was one of those parties that you always know is happening somewhere but you aren't sure how people ever get there or find the people that throw them. it was a real honor to look upon the girl who i can only describe as the john william waterhouse girl crouched on the rocks at the shore of the sacramento river, on the other side of the train tracks, her huge magnanimous locks tangled up inside a gold plastic crown, wearing one piece victorian underwear and not much else. she had cemented her place as the symbol of this party for me earlier in the evening - actually it was 7am and the sun was rising. she had been putting her fingers in her mouth casually while the band played on the landing and the wallpaper peeled and she drank a beer and her face was so huge and wide and none of this was special at all to her. i don't mean to say she was dismissive, i just mean to say that it's very reassuring that there are people in the world for whom all night parties in falling down bordellos and songs about sailors who have lost their mind that are sung at 7am.. people for whom these situations are quite natural. anyway, i hope i see her again.

February 15, 2007 - 11:43am

today

it is sunny, but the power is out all over the mission. street lights are out. i went to get a bagel and the women at the bagel shop were cleaning in the dark.
at ritual they have power and they are playing the knife's 'silent shout.' remind me to listen to this when i get to work.

there is mercury retrograde hilarity already.

February 25, 2007 - 4:54am

nothing is getting done

i just feel like everything in my life is a test. it's hard to enjoy things that aren't a test because i'm still worrying about the rest of it. i am constantly making huge demands of myself and consequently becoming overwhelmed and not doing anything at all, and then of course every day is filled with pitfalls and failures that i can point to as evidence for my case against myself. every morning i don't wake up in time to go next door to yoga before work, every time i eat something that has dairy, wheat, or sugar in it, i am messing up and i will be pudgy forever, every time i sleep too late and it pushes my whole day into a disarray where i feel like there is no time to care for myself.. all evidence.

i am really aimless and stuck in a sandbar right now. there's a lot of ways that i fantasize about myself being, and a lot of tasks and activities i fantasize would make more like how i think of myself, but i don't do any of them, and i live in my mind almost 100%. and then occasionally i am forced to face reality and realize that i'm just a pretty average person who is rather unproductive and still at nearly 30 cannot wake up in the morning and just have a day, just have a normal day. i want to embrace my sleep schedule and for it to be cool, and it would be if i didn't fantasize about being different, or if it felt healthy instead of some fucked up escape. or if there was anything that i did that was worth anything. but there just isn't right now, there is nothing i can point to and say, well, i slept till 11 but it's okay, because i did this. i haven't done anything but disappoint people, be unavailable, and structure my days in such a way that it's difficult for me to get much done, much less exercise or prepare healthy food for myself to eat.

i was about to say i don't like where my life is headed but i can't even ascertain whether it is headed anywhere at all.

i dream of myself in school, or in the forest, or having something mystical or amazing about myself but none of it is true. i do love my job very much and i love san francisco, but i haven't felt present or like i'm embracing my life, or like i'm even prepared for any day, in forever. i feel like i'm always trying to avoid situations, and being thrust into them unwittingly with the wrong outfit on and no preparation, and once they are happening i'm always trying to get away from them to some safe land where i am alone. i was thinking in the tub tonight that i never feel totally present unless i am completely alone. any other situation is a potential pitfall, one that i'm not pretty enough, healthy enough, smart enough, or discplined enough to be involved in.

i don't know, maybe it's just february.

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