at 4am, after working all day, and nothing else, i feel a strange peace. a few hours ago i was panicked and worried about everything there was still to do. it's all still there. somehow in the past hour i became calm with the thought that i'm doing everything i can, and if it doesn't get done in the time frame i'd hoped, it's not for lack of trying. maybe the point of all this is to experience the sense of complete dedication and productivity, not neccessarily just the final product being delivered perfect and clean at the exact right moment. it feels better to work hard than to worry about how nothing is getting done, even if you miss every deadline.
anyway i'm not sure what i'm saying except that it's 4am and i'm still happening.

my friends have really come through for me in my week of stress. swinney saved my ass and enabled copycrime.org to happen with his sql help. by the time he wrote the elusive sql query i needed, i had been in sustained panic about launching that shit for a day and a half, mainly due to my complete inability to become a database expert in less than 24 hours. that kind of panic leaves you very tired, even if it ends with success.

then, and i don't know if she even realized it, vatic totally soothed me by building EFF a virtual warehouse in Second Life. you know when you have something you need to deal with and it's not pressing but it really needs to happen at some point but you never quite make it high enough priority and it just nags at you until you feel like you're under a pile of loser blankets? (you might say no. once i said something like that to ian "you know how it is when [insert neurotic self experience here]?" and he just said "no, i don't have that." oh.) vatic saved me from that this week. by building the warehouse so EFF can have a spot in SL, which I'd been slacking on forever. i think she did it cuz it was funtimes, but it was so soothing and amazing. and what she built is totally rad.

honestly the last week has been really special and notable, now that i stop to think about it. filled with successes and wonderful feelings and plans. that is the problem with being so busy and not writing as much - i forget to stop and notice it all. even if i have downtime and just lay and think, it's not the same as writing.

anyway, things have been really good. oliver took me to tahoe over the weekend AND to delfina for dinner last night. i have been more in love with him than ever. our tiny apartment is cluttered but eerily harmonious. i am feeling strongly about things again, having surprising but once familiar waves of thankfulness or understanding often. and, i have a plan for the summer which i will not jinx by writing it here.

and, jennifer gave birth to oona and finding out that she was in labor and realizing that someone i knew was in the process of actually giving birth to a human... and then seeing the pictures right after, it was very intense for me in a way that i actually found quite surprising and different than how events like that have made me feel before. maybe part of it was that she had a home birth and i could think of her space and that gave me much more understanding of the reality of the whole thing. i don't know, i was and am in great awe.

i have really been completely enjoying things that are put before me to enjoy, like the food we had in tahoe, the way the snow looked, these feelings of productivity and learning so much with geek projects, last night's delicious dinner and wine. my circumstances are really not so different than they were before, but suddenly everything is so much bigger and easier to feel. it's curious but awesome.

<3

i had a good cry and freakout and felt weirdly better afterward. even if it underscores my faults, it feels good to acknowledge my own stress. i wish i could be honest about where i'm at and it not mean that i'm ruining everything.
we ran into diane on the way to get food and she came along. we sat outside at ti couz and i ate my favorite thing ever and had two mimosas. it was pretty blissful. we took off after ordering drinks to pop into the vintage store and buy $10 sunglasses, then returned to the table victorious. i had lost mine and was squinty.

oofie bought us scratchies by the beach and i won another one on mine. i was the only one who won anything.

i stopped by the office to work for a moment and it was quiet and comforting. i spoke to jesse on aim.

when i went into ritual for an ill advised 8pm capuccino, n'nahme was sitting there reading. nothing is better than talking to someone else who is incapable of small talk. after covering the depths of things, smelling his good smell, and receiving a compliment about my hair, i went home.

i attempted to work on the second life projects i really wanted desperately to do but ended up with blueballs because i lost my photoshop install cd. later, laying in bed, i had an idea where it might be, and look forward to pursuing this tomorrow.

franklin played with his twist tie and i watched him do that.

i emailed my father. today i received the plush camel he sent me from kuwait, where he is stationed right now. it says HARD ROCK CAFE KUWAIT on its little camel blanket. i have some questions surrounding that but i haven't asked them.

the palm tree is getting to much sun and the sage has whitefly. i'm trying to keep the sage alive because i had this idea that i might be able to plant it in the ground somewhere sometime not too far from now. i don't know about that anymore. the uncertainty and nothingness and inaction is so large that i can't even develop a plan or fantasy anymore. i should probably do something but i'm fine just doing nothing. when i start to think about how i want things to be different i just blank out, knowing none of it is worthwhile.

i hope tomorrow is ok.