1. my fucking ostentatious phoneis nothing but a goddamn vanity machine

2. wanting to write a poem called "bullshit and nothing"

3. useless apartment hunt. i know what i want and it's not on craigslist right now.

4. really loving last.fm so much! and really enjoying listening to music in the past little while. having a memory of when i lived alone in that ghetto ass apartment on page & steiner and i was unemployed, before i went to omega and after sept 11 when everything was just so fucking depressing and all i did was listen to records. like it was my fucking job. with total focus and dedication. record after record then out to open mind to get some more. it makes me more impatient to have a place so i can set up my decks and get back to work, listening.

chillits was amazing. i got all dusty and had numerous really really good naps. i drank makers on the rocks while wearing a houndstooth hat, pimp coat, and petticoat. and the late night sets that happened while i lay in my tent (drunkenly thinking about everything in the world) were so incredibly dead-on and beautiful. and i was intact. and i took a shower outside in the morning then frolicked around naked in the sun to dry off. and there was so much good food! people roaming around the lawn with plates of sushi! people making coffee for me! kristie giving me a hard boiled egg of perfection! i could go on and on. being with friends was so wonderful, everyone was super hilarious and i felt like i belonged, no question. my home. my people.
two things to note:

1. i am always happiest when i wake up from a 7pm-10pm nap. seriously, it's my best possible mood. 7pm sundown passout is so familiarly deep for me. when i woke up from one of those at chillits i thought "god i've had this nap before and it's so good."

2. i really need to feel free to lux up my life now that i'm on my own. i spent a lot of years declaring i had no need for luxury, and when i'm left to my own devices i tend to forego it, but i really should just feel free to make things awesome for myself. and by "luxury" in the context of chillits i really mean, bringing extra blankets, decorations, and my own coffee and french press to campouts. it'll be easier when all my stuff is in one place.

something else:

i've been totally reunited with my love of bed & dreaming, and with staying up really late.

when i was six, i was obsessed with cyndi lauper. when people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i would say i wanted to be a PUNK ROCKER. i have lots of vignette memories of seeing these PUNK ROCKERS on the street in germany, especially when we went to big cities like stuttgart or munich. i didn't know anything about them except that they had awesome colorful hair and clothes and they looked like cyndi lauper and they also looked how the modern art museum in munich made me feel.
today, i was walking down the hill from where i'm staying, and a total crusty punk walking a bike came toward me. we acknowledged each other, he grinned at me. after he passed i realized that my typical plumage of boots and stripey knee socks and sock garters and bloomers and green hair had made me grin worthy to this fellow weirdo. we had greeted as members of the same tribe. i don't usually consider my inherent freakdom much, but i had a moment of joy then, realizing, i've totally become exactly what i wanted. i am so fucking grateful to live in this city and be this person i was always meant to be. i totally lived up to the dreams of my 6 year old self and that is so fucking rad!

ps. and the cafe i'm at just put fugazi on

there's what's real
and there's what happened
and there's what you say happened
and there's what you tell yourself happened
and there's how you feel about it
and how i feel about it
and how we wish the other one felt about it
and how it all changes when you look back on it
and how it all morphs completely based on the day or the time or the moment or the sadness or the fear or the anger or the miserable miserable hurt

and each of those things seems to be completely separate
from the other things

but if we just don't talk about it, we don't have to try to coexist with any of that shit and how conflicted it all is. only what's real. and i don't even fucking know what that is.