very little goes on. i have been working pretty much constantly, and sleeping a rather strange combination of 4am - 10am and 7pm - 9pm. the result is that today i feel like i'm getting sick. i must make it one more day, not even, just through tonight, to get this work project to a good resting point so i can go ahead and have a cold or whatever it's going to be.

i've been a bit of a shut in, but tomorrow i'm going to stay with friends again after housesitting an empty (but wonderful) house for almost a month, so it should be good to be around other humans.

i've been having incredibly elaborate and telling dreams. last night as i was dozing off i dreamt that yoko had gotten out of oliver's apartment and was wandering the streets, and that my old friend megan came to tell me. i woke up in a start to megan's voice, so momentarily shaken that i looked around the room for her. i also have been dreaming about insane tattoos, scaling walls in india, the details of my breakup, the occult and magii, and people eating pomegranate seeds off my genitals. i've been journaling them down consistently which i'm sure is only making them happen MORE frequently. i'm cool with that.

i signed the lease on my new place last week, and i'm really excited about that. it's a rather large converted store front in the mission. it has 15ft high ceilings and lots of large windows done with glass brick, and a kitchen against the back wall. i'm totally amazed that i scored such a perfect artistic space for myself. it's really perfect for this time of my existence. i'm brimming with plans for what i want to do to it and sooo impatient to get in there.

i have to admit i'm kind of scared to be moving forward into whatever this life is that i'm about to make for myself. it's all happened pretty fast and been really shocking and disorienting. it's like i went to india and never really came back. i mean, i did come back, but to a totally different life than what i left. things feel more RIGHT now than they have in years, though. but i'm still nervous and scared about my future on my own, and sad about everything that's happened. it's hard to lose total togetherness with someone that i really truly just loved deeply, but i've gotten to a point now where even though it's still devastatingly sad a lot, i am just super grateful to have given my all to something and to have had a lot of beautiful moments of knowing another person.

there's still moving day to face, which will be horrid and gut wrenching, and then maybe after that it can be time to just float and float and write and dream and be calm and look at my life. and enjoy. i've been there so much already but there's been a lot of logistical trauma distracting me from just being. work and househunting. i'm not homeless though, like i said when i first got back. i've been complaining for years about never having a home, but i don't have that feeling this time. i feel more now like i have a home than i ever have in my life, because, even though i am prone to chaos that seems to entail moving my stuff around a lot, san francisco is my home. that's something that's been given to me 100% in the last two months and i'm so grateful for it.

what a time.

i can't believe i started this post with "very little goes on," because yes, very little DOES go on, but at the same time everything in the fucking world goes on, shit.

okay.

ps. i found two more feathers yesterday, one was small and grey, the other, enormous and black.