elly.org / journals

January, 2008

January 1, 2008 - 2:22am

new years eve and all my shit

new year's eve.
i dressed like a sort of haphazard victorian orphan for this warehouse party that was supposed to be about the turn of the century and the future.

i got on the 5 to the Q. i found pinky in park slopeish. i ate thai food with pete & urcella.

at pinkys, we filled up the flasks: one with rum, one with bourbon. we headed to the train, switching from the Q to the R in times square where we could hear the HUGE crowds above us. i shivered with the energy of it, like i had moments before when the train was stopped at penn station. (penn station is a place that makes me feel really good, it's so strange, but it makes me feel so great to be in or near penn station, it just hums so hard. i once sat across the street from it on the steps to the great castle of the midtown post office and chanted some sikh chants i learned from the 3HO kundalini sikhs that were at omega. SAT NAM. because the energy just felt like it was there for the taking. you can just pluck it out of the chaos.)

when we got to the party, we got in line. the line snaked up the stairs past the loading dock. and then a bunch of cops showed up. we were told to clear out of the hall and go out into the loading dock and parking lot. at this point it didn't seem busted, just delayed. time passed as we waited in the cold. pinky greeted many friends, and everyone was wearing fun costumes. it seemed like a really friendly crowd. at around 11:40 as we huddled, some angel appeared with an amp and set it up on the dock and plugged a guitar into it. some people joined in with an accordian and a tambourine. the band played a circusy rhythmic cacophony and we leapt around in the cold, waiting for word on the bustedness and sipping from our flasks and greeting each other. more cops appeared. it didn't bode well. we counted down and kissed and threw confetti out in the parking lot while the band played. it was actually totally heartwarming and great, especially the impromptu band. finally we got word that the party was indeed busted and then we saw one of the organizers being led out in cuffs. fuck.

i have to say, if you're going to be at a party that gets busted and then contains the expected fallout of concerned women walking quickly to and fro, their brows furrowed, puffing cigarettes, it would be best if that party was a costume party that encouraged period dress. i say this because when those concerned partygoing ladies are in bustles and corsets and feathered hats and look like they just rolled out of a brothel, AND it's all set against the urban wasteland of long island city, there is a certain theatric elegance that is irreplaceable.

so, in the chaos that followed, i ended up in a car full of jaunty hooligans all looking for somewhere to go. we headed to the ART WHATEVER COLLECTIVE PLACE called rubulad, which it seemed my friends in the car were way familiar with. i had heard of this place but never been despite my affinity for partyart warehouses and freaks with hula hoops. the car was a fun place to be. i passed the flasks in the backseat and my new friend jason sat next to me video taping the voyage.

when we got to rubulad, it was fucking packed. and it didn't feel good. i'm about to pass some judgment. here i go:

about ten minutes after we were grabbed and told to "get inside, there's cops outside" and pushed into a staircase full of people trying to force each other into a room too full of people, the party was busted. and you know what? it totally should have been busted. it was dangerously dangerously overcrowded.

i won't talk shit about the music, the scene, or anything else about that place, but i will say that i think it's really fucking irresponsible for the people throwing the party to have let that event get SO overcrowded. i had a whole thought process about it while i was in there, thinking, well, am i just OLD? am i just not COOL anymore so i don't "get" this scene or dont enjoy being sardined in here? no, i'm not, i'm just someone who can see that when you are part of an underground party scene, and you throw big renegade sort of parties, you are actually shitting on the people in your community by not being smart about making your parties a safe place to be. because then your shit gets busted and you give everyone similar to you a bad name, and NYPD busts the hell out all of it all. not to mention the basic disrespect of putting your partygoers in danger. the whole thing made me angry and it gave the whole party a really unfriendly bad vibe. because how can it be a friendly party if basic respect is lacking? call it PLUR, call me 30, call it my SF ideals, call it whatever, i just feel like, party organizers have a responsibility to each other and to their community when it comes to these things. it could have been the whiskey rage that got me so mad, i guess, and, it could be that the party got out of control without anyone meaning it to, which sometimes happens. but still. it was bad.

some other stuff happened after that, like i charged my cellphone off a strand of christmas lights while we waited to be finally officially booted from rubulad, and i got super angry and sad about other personal shit, and i listened to this song like 40 times in a row, and i thought about the moments today when i was really actually happiest, and they were: when that girl was talking to me about indigo children in caravan of dreams and when i was sewing patches onto my hoodie.

January 1, 2008 - 12:55pm

upon waking

cue "us ones in between" again.
where were you, where were you, and where'd the fucking sun go?

January 1, 2008 - 1:22pm

resolutions

  • eat breakfast more often
  • say yes more often
  • see more live music
  • do the dishes before they get terrible
  • make things, big things, with branches and wood
  • make things.
  • deeply enjoy exactly what is enjoyable

January 3, 2008 - 2:34am

it's all the same thing, we're all the same

today, after a great afternoon of running around the east village cursing the cold, and an hour sitting on the floor of grand central feeling connected to it all, i took the subway to the lower east side. as i sat on the 6 contemplating my ice cube thighs and feeling a conflicted affection for the huge black dude in a faux fur coat who was sitting too close and warming me, i saw that the girl next to me was writing in her journal. i didn't mean to look at what she was writing, but i did, and because i'm partially terrible, i will now report to you what the two sentences i saw were:

is it that my goals conflict with other peoples?

and

why do i have fear of success?

January 25, 2008 - 6:34am

AQ

1. it's late. are you awake?

yes.

2. are you brooding?

very likely.

January 26, 2008 - 1:20am

untitled

most nights or days, my mind wanders to the time i spent in india. i think about how detached i was from what i was experiencing and how strangely almost violently present i was at the same time. being there was so difficult, physically and emotionally, and yet i long to go back. i want to go back as who i am now, someone who is a single being, no longer experiencing life through the eyes of another, and so much more myself and so much braver. and i also want to go back and have it mean i've gone back in time, to the time Before, before everything was so completely and totally different, before all the madhouse doors opened upon my return.

during this weird transitional time of my life i often find myself desperately wishing to stop time. so many days have been a perfect balance of still hanging onto comforting things from the past while having huge vistas of possibility open to me at the same moment. as i move the slider further toward the new, the old fades out so evenly and so completely that it's sometimes deeply frightening.

i found myself walking home from dinner last night thinking, oh my god, this is just my life now. i'm not going to wake up and it all have been a dream. i'm not going to go back to anything about how it was. the things that i've started will continue to happen, the people i've befriended during this intense time will continue to be here. it hasn't been a dalliance and it isn't a phase. of course it's totally a gift to have my life be what it is now, but it's also totally fucking scary to find myself... still... in it... almost 6 months since the wind changed.

January 28, 2008 - 5:14am

stop worrying

fucking winter. fucking saturn return redux. i think i have been sleeping, and it has been raining, for weeks and weeks. but i'm not sure. all i know is that when the sun came out today and shone through the copious windows in my cavernous storefront home, my place was illuminated in all its hibernation-state glory: every surface covered in blankets, cat hair, books, and socks. and so many undone chores.
mercury has gone retrograde and so far the effect in my body is that i feel very calm and gentle.

January 29, 2008 - 4:12pm

things i found while cleaning out my office at EFF

it's my last week as webmaster for the EFF. after over three years here, it's time for me to move on to freelancing and other projects. it totally pains me, since working at the EFF is basically totally amazing, and i love my coworkers so much. but, i have been itching to work on some other types of web projects, and use the drupal chops and other www skillz i learned at EFF to go forth and help other nonprofits. plus after three years of consistent EFFing i look forward to some unstructured boho freelance lifestyle. i am definitely going to miss it, though.

i'm packing up my office and i've found all manner of detritus describing the last three years, both personal and EFF-related:

  • various color printouts of kittens doing cute things, gifts from our sysadmin greg during stressful times.
  • huge 100 page print out of the plone manual, from when we were thinking we might use plone for eff.org. mad times. tossed it.
  • post-it note with a very estranged friend's birthtime on it, from before the estrangement when i read her chart.
  • a cap oliver's dad gave me when i was visiting their cottage on the shore of lake michigan. it's weird that was even in my office. it's because i left it in the back bedroom of pete & urcella's place in new york after a michigan->newyork trip, and urcella mailed it to me at the office.
  • a diesel sweeties emoticon t that i totally forgot i ordered years ago, and has always been too big.
  • stacks of folders full of tax shit and medical bills, records of the two main tangible-world challenges of my 20s: tax debt and fibroid surgery.
  • bunch of unused "webmaster" business cards that somehow happened to me after I avoided getting EFF business cards for like 2.5 years.
  • random pieces of PVC pipe from an aborted burning man project.
  • lots of postcards that were sent to me when i begged for them, and rock posters that i bought during noisepop 2005.
  • the business card heathen left for me when she was officially stalking me.
  • pair of wings i made a long time ago. have no idea how they ended up here.
  • two copies of Other magazine, one of which has a brief article by me about heathen stalking me.
  • shelley's owl & sutro tower painting which i'm going to be glad to bring home and put up by my desk.

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