woke up today to tamera suggesting we drive to boulder creek to see akron/family at the brookdale lodge. YES

the show was tiny and all ages, and everyone danced. i love the way an akron/family show seems to take everyone up into an ecstatic headspace, and it's such togetherness between the people in the crowd and the band. the show ended with excited hippie teens on stage singing vocals and playing tambourine.

i danced and sang and clapped all the way through. and got sweaty and got in dance-headspace. i kept having to pause dancing and write down thoughts into the back of the book in my bag (this, still, since I got back from LA, where i bought it. it's so good. sometimes you have to carry good things around like talismans for a few weeks), because it was my only paper and because the thoughts that come from that state of being feel so much more true.

while i danced i wished i could always feel so free. i wished i had nothing to lose, i wished i could just pick up and leave, and roam. i wanted that so much. but i also just wanted to forgive myself for being human, for falling apart, for growing older, for making the wrong decisions. you know, purification. it can really come from dancing! and it did.

we weren't in santa cruz/boulder creek very long, but long enough to feel the full moon through huge trees, and just feel the energy of not-city. and to visit holly's mama and papa and bro and meet the baby chickens in their kitchen!

we drove through real mountainy cold and forest on the way back. we rolled the windows down and felt it, and talked about occult shit and somehow got home despite the gas light having gone on. sleep was sacrificed and it was totally worth it.

<wb> when that happens to me i have a method of going to sleep

<wb> first i read poetry for about a half hour. then i stand looking
<wb> out the window. waiting for somebody to pass by or something to
<wb> 'happen' maybe a bird or some little event.

<wb> i think the logic is you are awake, standing around for maybe 10
<wb> minutes staring. something happens. you have encountered the
<wb> world. you can now sleep

it is a good idea to redirect the sense of 'waiting for something' that accompanies insomnia onto the external world rather than the internal. so many nights i've been awake with a sense of waiting for a problem to be solved before i can sleep. i need something to happen. usually i look for it in the internet, or in my own mind. both of these places are dead ends and black holes. it's a better idea to wait for a bird to fly by the window, a person to walk by, or another external signifier. a sign.

i know i should stop posting about facebook and things that happen on it, but i am in a weird state of confusion this week because i started a new job and i experienced so much sunshine and happiness over the past week that i don't even know how to feel. i think i feel... happy... but the absence of the concern and strange isolated depression from the past year is disorienting. like, is it real? i am still deciding how i feel about feeling this way. ha.

also recently all my my methods of communicating and experiencing the world shifted DRASTICALLY and i'm having to recalibrate who or what is the audience and mirror for my life. everyone needs a mirror, a thing to shine into and be reflected by. mine has always been a relationship, something immersive, and now it ain't, so though i'm not UNHAPPY i am floating quite freely in a new and unfamiliar space when it comes to creation and reaction and experience. so i'm transitional. i don't know who or what i'm writing for anymore. or taking pictures for. i know, i know, it was always me, but it's different without... a muse, i guess.

anyway, i posted a link to justine lai's paintings of herself fucking every US president in chronological order and then it went like this:

i found the disparity between "she's subjugating herself to patriarchal norms" and "cool, she likes getting spanked" to be amusing. also, both of these conclusions seem premature.


11:41 -!- Irssi: Join to #techies was synced in 0 secs
11:41 < @dan > o yay
11:41 < le> don't say i never did anything for you
11:41 < le> ops pls
11:41 -!- mode/#techies [+o le] by dan
11:41 < @dan> haha