rain is here. i'm sitting in a cafe looking out a window at a streaky sunset fight its way through rainclouds over twin peaks.
halloween is almost here. dia de los muertos is almost here. tamera has a plan about dressing as dead woodland spirits, and i've got a felted wool hat that i attached real steer horns to, and a bunch of bourbon, so i think i'm pretty close to all set.
last weekend i was in portland for a few days hugging xep & rob and xep's growing belly. portland had me feeling calm and safe, it was charming and cold with good coffee, bookstores, secondhand stores, changing trees, and cats, and a hot bath in gregor and sarah's luxurious bathtub. i slept my schedule, and we stood in the kitchen snacking on stuff all weekend. gregor told stories about finding secret abandoned apartments in the tenderloin when he & sarah used to live in san francisco. and showed me pictures of his grandfather and somehow we ended up talking about past lives, why people always think their generation is the last and most important one, and ancestry. xep sat on the kitchen floor with her belly and i kept eating pieces of spongecake from the tupperware.
being there got me thinking about family, how blessed i am to have my own wonderful family and also my extended adoptive families of friends i've gathered through life. i also felt a little lonely to be there by myself. in the past i've really counted on having a fella with me while i'm at weddings and baby showers and family gatherings and whatever. i'm naturally withdrawn, and i've usually had a gent to be the foil for that - a motivating other. i always feel a little guilty when i show up by myself and just do what i do, which is sleep in, nap, hide, go find the cats, and go for solitary walks and think about the sky. it isn't antisocial at all, i absolutely love being a quiet person in the ambient presence of family, i just sometimes wish i could channel that useful helpful active energy (errand running, waking up early and taking care of things) that i once counted on partners to bring and foster. i'd like to believe my sleepy charm is enough to make me worthwhile, but it's hard.
there's a lot else to report but here's this for now.
