watching the cockettes documentary last night left me filled with yearning to be free and wild. i became so immersed and enthralled with the world of late 60s san francisco that when i left the house mid-film to meet holly for a cuppa, i forgot that it was 2010. i just felt that wildness and promise and comradery of communal life so strongly. i forgot what part of my life i was in. i wanted to smile at everyone i saw. people sitting in restaurants and cafes seemed so boring, i wanted to rattle them.

though the film ends with half the cockettes dying of AIDs and drug overdoses in the late 70s and early 80s, i was still so moved and filled with yearning. even if every party has to end, often in tragedy and disillusionment, i still long for that feeling of revolution and togetherness.

lately, i am sort of serious. rather calm, subdued, and like a feral cat, suspicious. maybe this is what i mean when i lament a lack of community... because left to my own devices i won't make myself free. but other people have helped me feel free before.

i'm not unhappy at all, my life is totally amazing these days. but, i can't help but be reminded of the sense of wonder i had in san francisco in the the early dotcom times, or the sense of wonder and openness that defined my life at omega. i guess watching the cockettes documentary reminded me of those things: the feeling of being on the forefront of something, and the belief that dedicating yourself to your own pure madness and exploration was somehow going to change everything for everyone else. it's probably not true - maybe it's just how everyone feels in their early twenties - but who am i to say? i DO think that frenzied exploration and self expression informs whatever more tangible accomplishments people make once the chaos of youth has passed, which could in turn change everything for everyone else. or maybe the intangible chaos is enough, if it inspires someone.

this might all be a long way of saying that it is springtime and i want so badly to carouse and frolic and sing. and be friendly, and be open, and dive into things. i was so depressed for 2008 and most of 2009. it's a terrible trick of life that even if your circumstances are holding you back and need to change, if they do, you still have to spend so. much. time. mourning the loss and adjusting to the change before you can properly enjoy the fruits of your rebirth.

i don't know how many times since my saturn return i wrote in here "okay, NOW, i am whole again" and then a few months later "i felt like i was before, but i wasn't, but now i'm sure, i am whole again." it is probably a bad idea to ever declare yourself healed or fully formed - surely i am not. but i am not depressed, distrustful of this world, despairing, or numb, and i haven't been for some time. and that is joyous. AND CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.

this weekend was really amazingly good and sweet, but because irritation is often what forces expression, i am now going to discuss the only disturbing thing that happened to me all weekend.

on the 43 masonic. coming home from the presidio, a crazy gibbering man holding a wooden stick got on and sat across from us. he was speaking a madman's language to unseen forces, and wielding his weird stick. i was weathering it okay. but then, he coughed a wad of phlegm into his hand, and wiped it on the pole/handrail next to him. rather than stare at the dripping wad of phlegm as it lingered on the pole that someone else (someone like me) would later use to lower or raise themselves into a seat, i suggested we exit the bus POST HASTE.

my thoughts regarding this incident are as follows:

1. one of the reasons i love san francisco is because it is a liberal place, a place for dropouts, punks, misfits, sexual deviants, and anyone else otherwise unable to function in less liberal locales. i never want it to go the way of NYC in the 90s - giuliani'd and bloomberged into whitewashed super clean creepiness. san francisco flirts with that destiny, but i have always felt its fucked up misfit heart will prevail. even our rich people are nerd misfits.

but, if this city is truly going to be a place that tolerates, nay, encourages, complete madness and misfittery, then we need to get better at supporting and caring for the people who are here because of the endless liberal tolerance. why doesn't our city, refugee camp of misfits from everywhere, do a better job at supporting the most lost of our brethren? people who are sick, crazy, possibly dangerous, should be looked after, not roaming at will in the city.

i just can't believe that for all our liberalness and prosperity, we still can't handle the basic task of sheltering and caring for these people.

also, i've had far more interaction with the bodily fluids of the homeless masses in the past two years than i can really handle. the constant exposure to homeless people puking and coughing up phlegm and pissing around my apartment is starting to make me lose a little humanity. lately this stuff has just made me feel angry, grossed out, and beleaguered, instead of feeling sympathy and compassion for the poor souls who have to suffer their bodily woes without a safe warm place to rest. it makes me sad that i am becoming city-callous.

2. muni is disgusting. between phlegm, service cuts, broken down busses, and stabbings, i am newly motivated to get my bike into working and happy status so i can ride it to work. i am afraid of cars, but biking is basically the ONLY sense-making way to commute in san francisco anymore. driving is impossible, the bus is gross.

BUT, I SAY ALL THIS AFTER A DAY SPENT IN THE PRESIDIO, LOOKING AT THE PALACE OF FINE ARTS AND THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE GLOWING IN THE SUNSHINE, AND BEING SO AMAZED THAT SAN FRANCISCO EXISTS AT ALL. HOW CAN WE HAVE THOSE THINGS ALL RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER? WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING PLACE. TRULY. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

i mean, we live in a city that has the bike kitchen in it. and bound together book collective. volunteers who just want to help you fix your bike, or help you get books about how to overthrow capitalism while preparing ayahausca, or similar. amazing. this is a really great place.

the bus is just really gross.

okay.

I see a lot of people coming to my site via google searches related to uterine fibroids. Occasionally the search terms are really sad to see, because they show that people are searching on the details of miserable fibroid pain. Today I saw a particularly sad search go by in my logs, and it made me want to go hug the person who was searching. It also made me wish my site had more to offer than the scattershot entries from when I had a huge fibroid (that I later had surgically removed). Since I can't stalk every fibroid-haver and hug them, here's a very quick run down of what I learned from my fibroid, and what helped my symptoms. Maybe it will help people who are googling, or at least be a jumping off point for further research.

1. Read the chapters on fibroids in Christiane Northrup's amazing book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. These chapters are full of great info about the emotional factors related to fibroids. I found those, and her other chapters about fertility (which you may also be concerned about) to be enormously helpful and reassuring. She has some case studies on women whose fibroids shrank naturally, as well as some thoughts about the energetics of fibroids and how they can be tied to emotional situations in our lives.

2. No one knows what causes fibroids, but doctors have figured out that excess estrogen encourages fibroid growth. Do what you can to eliminate excess estrogen in your body. There are different theories about what causes this so-called "estrogen dominance," but if you start to read up on it, chances are you'll find causes that seem relevant to your lifestyle or diet.

Lowering estrogen levels can be about diet changes, exercise, or it can be about lowering stress levels in your life. Estrogen and anxiety go hand in hand. For me, quitting coffee was very helpful in lowering my estrogen levels. According to this page, women who drink coffee can have up to 70% more estrogen in their system!! not cool.

Christiane Northrup recommends a multivitamin containing all the B vitamins and a few other important minerals for lowering estrogen. Some people say to eat more vegetables and whole grains, give up soy (which mimics estrogen in the system - though the soy debate is very inconclusive), and give up red meat since cows are often pumped full of estrogen and other hormones. They also say to avoid dairy and sugar. There are conflicting recommendations, but as you research you'll discover common overlap and probably be able to determine what diet changes are most relevant to you.

Estrogen levels are also related to liver function, since the liver is what flushes excess estrogen from your system. If your liver is challenged (ie: you drink a lot), that can also be a consideration.

3. For relief of fibroid related pain, consider seeing a chiropractor or trying acupuncture. My fibroid was pressing on my sciatic nerve, referring pain along my thigh and sometimes into my foot, especially when I lay down. The pain was worse when my bladder was full. It was awful. Visits to a chiropractor, plus a good deal of hip-opening asanas in yoga, alleviated this pain almost completely. Massage was also very helpful, too. It seemed like the key was making more space in my guts for the fibroid by adjusting my bones and muscles.

4. Surgery is not as scary as you might think. I was terrified to have surgery to have my fibroid removed, but it turned out to be completely worth it. I had surgery at the UCSF Fibroid Center in San Francisco. I cannot recommend them highly enough! It was a huge relief to have my fibroid remove, and I would do it again in a second.

Here are some potentially gross before & after photos of my uterus, abdomen, and fibroid during and after surgery, for the curious..

That is all for now. I hope this helps someone! I am happy to email about fibroids if you want to talk.

I'll update these as I find more...

Links and Resources

• Christiane Northrup's page about estrogen dominance
• coffee & estrogen dominance
• UCSF Women's Health Comprehensive Fibroid Center has some pages about fibroids

at the SFist and SFappeal: "Acting Governor Jerry Brown Declares State of Emergency in San Francisco County" (that's here.)

since when is jerry brown our acting governor? i missed a memo.

it's still raining.

chiamattt uploaded these fantastic pictures of me tasting king cobra for the first and last time, while wearing raver candy, with a shaved head, in my old apartment on 15th and south van ness, in 1999. that's right. take it in. the glory of the end of the 90s. right there.