30 December 2003; 05:06 PM

truths

29 December 2003; 12:21 AM

why

why is this happening

27 December 2003; 12:15 AM

loss

sitting around crying because of peter. it's so unfair. all the mistakes come rushing in. will i have to carry them with me forever? when i think of him now he seems so much more whole than he ever was, and in his distance from me i respect him more than i ever could when i was with him. i am so fucking thankful that my baby is going to be ok, that he is going to know himself. and so fucking sad, because he's not my baby anymore.

went to see my grandma tonight. grampy's only been gone two days. we didn't sit in his chair. i would have sat in his chair if he was alive but i couldn't do it with him gone.

i remember when the first brian left me, i had weird rituals surrounding his old room. he was my first love and he lived with my family for a while. after he was gone, i kept track of where he left everything. where exactly he left it. and everytime something had to be moved, for cleaning or because someone else needed it, i would get upset. and focus on other things that were still were he left them, last touched by him. the change bucket, still unadulterated. something he dropped on the floor, still unmoved. of course his bed was the first to be ruined, because i slept in it, hugging the mattress as if it were him. when i think of these feelings, that is when i truly become sad about my grampy - is my grandmother smelling his pillow. my mom said she wouldn't move his slippers from where he left them.

things are sad. sometimes i'm afraid nothing will ever be good again. i'm incredibly broke, and constantly wondering how i will afford anything. i've been borrowing money from everyone, it seems. it feels terrible. even though i start a job soon, these last few weeks of juggling late bills and threatened phone service cutoff is really difficult. and then playing catchup when i do start to get paid is also going to be hard. i know it will all work out. no one is going to let me starve. but the shame of having to admit that i just don't have the money for things, that i need help, is really fucking hard.

this is the point where i start to berate myself for choosing now to move to new york - but then i remember that it wouldn't have been any better had i stayed in SF. at least in new york i have a job and i'll get paid. in SF, that wouldn't be happening and my chances of having to give something up (school) would be just as high.

i feel as though my past is being ripped from me. i hate time. i hate time. i fucking hate the passage of fucking time. in some ways i feel that i'm waking from a dream, and in other ways i feel that i am descending into one. i wish i could feel confident in any choice made. i do, about one or two of them, in subtle ways.

i know that tomorrow when i arrive home to brooklyn where my fat cat awaits me, things are not going to feel so scary. i'll work on my schoolwork and whittle away at the various money problems. i'll suck it up. it'll be cold and i'll cuddle into my new coat. and i'll feel thankful that it's not the end of the road for me, that i have more chances and people who are willing to work with me through the challenges.

25 December 2003; 08:13 AM

grampy

i am comforted, because my father's way of dealing with my grandfather's death is to put on bob dylan really loud. my grampy died in his sleep last night. love you, grampy. godspeed.

25 December 2003; 12:55 AM

florida

woke up in florida today. i was dreaming that my father was kissing my face, and that bob dylan was singing to me and it was so beautiful that i was crying. my reality was different. it's hard to eat here, but other than that it is a peaceful and neutral place to spend these days. it smells good.

my mom stalked my amazon wishlist and got me a copy of 777 which i am very excited about. one book, in hand, can rekindle a dwindling interest in study.

also the cdrom drive is crunching away, converting the new cd's i got to mp3 so i can put them on my NEW IPOD!#@#@!!!! YES!! :D :D :D

no one has forced me to go to wal mart yet. my dad is very cute, the way he walks around the house muttering insults at the cats while lovingly petting them.

tomorrow: lots of food.

23 December 2003; 09:40 AM

is this

so, is this what mercury retrograde is usually like for other people? i can't make anything happen. every organizational task becomes total trauma and impossibility. there's no good solution to any mundane problem.

i'm in brooklyn, safe and sound, for another 3 hours or so before it's time to head to florida for xmas.

yoko and feebee (the cats) sit on either side of my bedroom door, laying in wait. i can only get yoko to eat some of the time. feebee's nose looks really cute when she presses it under the door, even though she may be hostile.

i'm going to trust that my haphazard catsitting solution is going to be ok. and i'm going to go to florida and it will be nice. time to shower and pack and make that happen. it'll be really good to see my family; it's been a while. maybe i can even convince my grandparents to let me go for a swim even though it's a little cold - c'mon, the pool is heated!!!

i look forward to coming back here and getting some work done (shit, lots of work) before starting real fulltime job on the 5th of jan. i need to write two papers and finish a web contract before that time. i think i can do it.

i miss SF when i stop to think. i try not to stop to think too often. it's sad but i also feel good, and clear in many ways. very unclear in others. but the need to depend on myself to figure things out is a good challenge.

time to go.

20 December 2003; 12:47 AM

ugh.

make it stop. why is anything the way it is? how have i made it this way?

it's hard not to feel like i'm being punished. probably because i AM being punished. by myself most likely. it would be good to remember that there must be something to learn from all of this.

i do miss brooklyn. and the F train. the comfort in being a new person in an unfamiliar place. no memories to contend with, no unfulfilled potential to recall.

flying back to NYC tomorrow, with all my ragtag possessions in tow, including my fat cat. things feel really broken. nothing i have seems worth owning and i feel a lot of shame and confusion. shame is a big word for me to use here, i feel shame often but it's scary to admit it. but yes, i feel ashamed right now. i'm embarassed about who i am and what i'm trying to do. i'm tired of being wrong all the time. even when i think i'm right it often turns out that i'm wrong. this is because there is no right and wrong. one moment, every choice is perfect, the next, it's all bad. that is because both of those ideas live together in the world, and i just can't figure out how to accept them both at once. but for every optimistic leap of faith there is an impending humiliation. sometimes it's funny and you can accept it. depends on how high the stakes were.

back to feeling cynical about love today. it just seems like a stupid trap. the idea of being alone for a while is a huge relief.

i'm angry. that is the heart of the matter. at myself, of course.

goodnight.

ps. sorry to be so gothic.
pps. just, sorry.

pps. (ten minutes later) writing this made me feel a lot better.

19 December 2003; 12:13 AM

everything will change

leaving means taking down the loftbed again.

the rest.

yoko is running around with her polar fleece toy in her mouth. mewing. she has a lot to say tonight. i wonder if she knows what is about to happen.

18 December 2003; 03:55 PM

these days

the time has come to perform activities in secret, to feel things silently. the fierce protectiveness i have felt about what happens between two people in dark rooms is being repurposed, now i feel it for myself. my own tender feelings are being squirreled away for me to ruminate over, unheard and unseen. it's a relief.

today:
signing and faxing offer letter for nyc job. scary!
finishing up some contract work

this weekend:
more packing
planetarium
ocean
brow wax
library to study planetary spheres?

next week:
return to brooklyn
yoko the cat
florida

forever:
♥

16 December 2003; 01:56 AM

baldies circa 1999

found these photos while packing. could not resist the urge to scan. the story: way back in 1999, egg and i rather impulsively shaved our heads, on the night of kristie's bachelorette party. the party was in steve & sara's new house, and since they'd just moved in, we couldn't find any scissors, but we felt we needed to trim before taking the clippers to ourselves. so all the attendees of the party dug through their various purses, and eventually i found myself being attacked by cackling women holding dubious instruments of haircutting. i believe the tools included fingernail scissors, swiss army knife scissors, and other things along those lines. chunks of my pink hair fell dishonorably at the hands of these women. it was a peak experience. afterward, egg and i washed each other's heads in the shower. i remember the bathroom being very dark, and there being a clawfoot tub. i loved being bald. i daresay my head is a rather nice shape for it. i was a c-section baby. sometimes i think i want to be bald again, then i realize that i just want to be 22 again, then i realize that i don't actually want to be 22 again.

14 December 2003; 11:05 PM

exodus

(added some pics to the 2012 entry)

all the edges of my life are closing in now. my books are stacked in the hall, ready to be deposited into boxes. there are so many and they are heavy, but my mind is the focus of these coming days, and the books are as much a comfort to me as the cats, familiar smells, bed, and cow. cow is coming too.

we're listening to henrietta collins and the wifebeating childhaters. i'm full of falafel. the falafel was ill formed by a new employee. still tasty though. olivia and xep are catching up on LOTR and i wish i was with them! it would be comforting. but the packing, the packing must happen. time is speeding up.

SO I SHOT HIM

rollins really used to be my major role model.

san francisco is a great place. if only every time i was in a place, it was a visit. i guess i'm working on creating that now by giving myself a finite period of time in new york, too. it's like by imposing limits on the time i can spend in any place, it's easier for me to be present. obviously there is a limit on the time anyone can spend anywhere, since we all die, but shorter time frames help me love more.

major revelation about cardinal balance on irc with the commander the other day: there is no final correctness. this is something my astrology teacher taught us about libra - that balance requires constant motion. it's not a final resting place. no place is always the final right place, and no experience of happiness, or even pleasant contentedness (preferable to 'happiness' as a goal, anway), is a solid unwavering destination. you find it, you lose it, you find it, you lose it. and the focus is to recognize when you've found it, without tricking yourself into thinking that you'll never have to go looking again. loving and letting go. owning, giving away.

aristotle - something about that which changes being the most imperfect. the earth being the most perfect and the most imperfect at once. but the stars, they were believed to be less changeable and thus, more perfect than the earth. i would have to agree.

the n judah sings goodbye to me every time it travels by the windows.

time to continue compartmentalizing memories, time, and ideas into cardboard boxes.

14 December 2003; 07:25 AM

2012 - mit foto!

2012 couldn't have been more perfect. a steamy room full of dancing bodies, beautiful intricate altars, old faces and new faces. everyone needed a celebration, is what i felt. the bitterness and "this can't last" attitude of past trance parties was not there, nor was the frightening depravity of the 5am second hit of e, the gross piles of sweaty nitrous people, none of that. i mean, i'm sure it was there, but not in the stark manner of past parties. this was a mellower steady koinonea, older and wiser maybe? so many smiling faces, genuine friendliness. good long conversations with old and new friends, lots of love and support, gentleness. really, it was exactly everything i needed in that moment, the affirmation of walking into that familiar world, of dancing, of offering fruit to people on drugs, being open and thankful. in one perfect moment i was held by a deep couch, having a funny easy conversation with a stranger, sipping chai, eating vegan chocolate banana bread served to me by a glorious dreadhead. nothing was required of me. a group of wonderful people came together to make something amazing for others to partake of, expecting nothing in return. how fucking awesome is that? i mean, really.

i needed that party more than anything, it was really the best medicine for my current state of mind. i feel reassured, clear, and good.

...

(many of these are blurry - i borrowed a camera and was not good with operating it in low light situations. very sad - if i'd had my own i would have done so much better. :( oh well. here are the best ones. larger versions and the rest are here)

the dancefloor


the earth mandala, made of pebbles, mirror, feathers, flowers, twigs, leaves.


peyton's EL wire masterpiece guided us in and out of the realm


ganesha removed any obstacles between ravers and the fruit they deserve


huge brass ganesha in the chill space


live music in the chill room with incredible projection behind


eric and i enjoyed hanging out in the hallway. we actually looked this blurry to most of the people at the party.


jim & astrid. not possible to be cuter.


after arriving home at 7 am or so, my feet were danced out

11 December 2003; 10:45 PM

divine tragedy

nothing like sitting around crying and laughing with someone you love. sometimes the laughing becomes crying because you're talking and you look at them and they make that hand gesture that you know so well, while they say something that just describes their personality so perfectly and reminds you why you love them so much and you're laughing because what they are saying is funny but then you just start crying because you're about to go far far away from them and they are going to let you do that. and everyone in the world knows it's the right thing and you can't find anyone to tell you it's going to be ok in the way you wish it was ok. because it's just not going to be - it'll only be ok in the other way, the hard way, the ok-ness can only come after the trial, after you decide what to do with the bed you shared, after you have a conversation about whose blender that was anyway. and sadness becomes sort of like having a cold. it's normal to be doing something mundane with tears just kind of irreverantly and nonchalantly dripping down your face, like having a runny nose but in this case it's a runny heart, and it doesn't surprise anyone around you whatsoever. you push out into the ether for a boundary, a place where the sadness can reach some sort of containing barrier, and you come up empty again and again. it's an ocean, but it's not unpleasant, you're not dashed against the rocks, there is no thunderstorm, you are just weary of swimming now so you must become limp and swallow water and air and relax and trust the sky to remind you that there is still a way up.

11 December 2003; 07:52 PM

gandhi

after taking the test at politicalcompass.org, to determine just how left we really are:

[20:26] <*peter*> You are less lefty than I am! WTF?!
[20:26] <*peter*> What the hell happened?!
/m peter fucking hippie
/m peter you're a fucking hippie that is what
[20:26] <*peter*> I'm past hippie!
[20:27] <*peter*> I'm like.. bomb making carhartt wearing anarcho- technoplebe!
/m peter time to go to your cabin in the woods
/m peter and make suspicious orders from internet chemist supply
[20:27] <*peter*> I am just developing nature photos!!

11 December 2003; 07:51 PM

testes

WELCOME TO MY FUCKING TEST ENTRY

10 December 2003; 02:15 PM

all day

slept in my clothes. woke up feeling oily in that way you do when you sleep in your clothes. changed shirt but didn't bother with the rest. feeling steady in some kind of disillusionment, but not without fortitude. visited the cat, received new bed, cleaned out new room. sweeping is satisfying. laid on new mattress and evaluated the view out the window. fire escape, bare winter tree. sky is available. view needs to be augmented with prayer flags at earliest convenience. sat in a few different places in the new home. considered locations of items. the shape of space. feebee climbed all over me. she curls up in the most satisfying ways. her claws are long though, and she kneads. ow. she reaches out a fluffy white paw when you've stopped giving enough attention. had a mocha, a bagel with tofutti, some water. chatted with qq about language structure and people who get off by puncturing inflatable rafts. email was down all day, until just a few minutes ago. facial expression of choice for today: empty, punctuated by periods of glowering. something made me laugh for real today but i can't remember what it was now. flying to SF very early in the morning.

09 December 2003; 04:25 AM

yes

everything's gonna be alright, rockabye.

ah this. yeah.

i trust you, universe. don't let me down. i know you won't.

fierceness. for myself. i am a mother lion, and the cub i would kill to protect is also a part of me.

limp with heartbreaking acceptance and understanding.

riding the F train back and forth, back and forth.

... or.

complete and total respect for everything in the universe. surrender, adulation, awe. it will always be the noblest moment shared in all of the time we have known each other. i am humbled, pardoned, and truly made whole by love. a worry bead worn to its smoothest point, but not worn away. everything is exactly as it should be; life is a machine in perfect powerful merciful motion. i am so thankful, even as my body shakes with the release of guilt and pain held by the bond formed and thus dissolved.

if you email me about this entry specifically i will never forgive you. but if you know me and you haven't checked in, please... i need you.

08 December 2003; 10:08 AM

update

i want to tell you that there is a christmas tree in oliver and amy's living room! it smells really good! oliver carried it on his back! there's also a patch of sun on the red carpet. amy is in her room cursing. cursed at today: microsoft. i ate cold pizza for breakfast and had some old coffee.

i'm going to metuchen today to meet with choco-pa and work out the plan of the world from here on out. i will take the nj transit. we will eat falafel. i will be very tall due to my boots. my boots, incidentally, have served me well in the brooklyn snow. i wasn't so sure about wearing them in the snow at first but they've worked out well.

tuggy has been in town this weekend looking at places in park slope. he is moving here!@@#@ and that makes everything in the world ok. he's been sleeping on the sofa bed, upping the number of people staying the FROSS YOUTH HOSTEL to six this weekend, with occasional auxiliary guests (pete, tamara, hillary, etc) coming and going throughout. various meals were prepared. amy made cookies. the tree smells good. i have been full of good feelings of acceptance and maybe a little bit of denial and delusion about some difficult stuff that is on it's way in too.

on thursday i fly back to SF for one week, to go to 2012 and eat a lot of burritos. i don't know how it will be to be home or just how gut wrenching it'll be to leave, but knowing that i have people who love me in NYC is helpful when i start to feel like i'm entering into some weird east coast prison term. there are so many people who love me in SF too. and people i love. in all places.

lately i am very thankful for my friends, and i have come to understand the deepening which occurs when you have friends for a long time. the support and love i get from my friends is indispensable. my relationships with my friends are so strong right now that it feels almost like i've married each of them, vows were taken, i am here i am here i am here.

the new term at school starts officially today. things are about to get a little crazy, for me, between work and school. my goal for jan/feb is to hunker down, work my ass off, get up early, do yoga, be thorough about my homework, spend time with myself and my life goals.

i met an intellectual Other at a party last week sometime. our conversation was direct, immediate, powerful, excitable, and was a babbling brook of crescendo after crescendo of realization. it looked something like ASTROLOGY, GASP, RELIGIONS, GASP, THE KABALLAH, GASP, DIONE FORTUNE, GASP, GLASTONBURY, GNOSTICISM, RELIGIONS AGAIN, GASP FOR AIR, ALAN MOOORE!@!?! *EXPLODE*. i'm so glad we didn't even make it to the mayans or i'd have pissed myself. and even if i never talk to that guy again, i feel calmed and wonderful knowing that he's out in the world on a similar path as me. my brain is such a specific place that anyone who can mirror it in any way really makes me feel so good.

there's so much more but it's time to shower and go out into the world. i hear the sounds of snow shovels against concrete. scrape scrape scrape pound.

ps. my position on passion has changed drastically since the last post. i have it. it's around. it's not going anywhere. not if i don't let it.

03 December 2003; 10:51 AM

brooding, pacing

i'm not really brooding i guess. but i am taking an assessment of the past. much has occured. it is documented in email folders, old websites, and saved chat logs. sometimes it's time to go back and study these artifacts.

it is easier to feel passion when little is at stake. it is true that as you get older, more things are at stake. how is it that way? i always said that there would be a point that i would no longer be forgiven for fucking up. a certain age wherein it would be expected that i behave responsibly and that my "shit" be "together." the trade off is the unadulterated passion of the moment.

right now i'm at a place where i'm stuck between two points, both of which are responsible and require much of me. both points feel like LONG TERM and SERIOUS situations. there is no romping. there is no rolling around, no half assed assertions of love followed by shrugging off those words two days later. there's no checking out. there is much expectation. needs are tangible, solid, and clearly defined. desire is tangible, solid, and clearly defined. i have a set of needs and goals.

the key issue has become security and the search for it. why, i'm not sure. i would point to age and adulthood as the reason for that. the desire for a home, family, a structure, stability, money and safety. i find myself performing activities with my old age in mind. why am i doing that? who the fuck cares? i just turned 26. saturn is a few years away yet.

nothing like a romp through the old chat logs and emails to remind you of times when you felt love in different ways. when i was young, only 16, i was in love in a way that i am sure i will never be again - it was the only time i really believed i could be with someone forever and that it could work and be fun. i was either right, or stupid. now i face relationship with a certain pessimism. i assume it will be difficult and boring but offer comfort and stability, two things which i suppose i think i don't have inside me. you may be compelled to email me and encourage me now, to say "you can find that inside you!" but just dont ok.

a while ago, heathen wrote some passionate thing or another in her journal and it reminded me of ways i had felt about people before. it was about love, of feeling like you will die if you have to take your eyes off the person you love. i've never had that in conjunction with a stable relationship. i can really only remember twice that i've had that. i won't name names here. but they are both gone now. i'm eager when i consider the possibility of these things existing in tandem, but i'm not convinced it IS possible.

i feel like i've let other people convince me of things. i'm not sure this practicality and stability trip is my own. i feel like those who are practical and stable have swayed me into thinking that's what i should need and want from them. i'm a little lost as to what i need and want. obviously i want things to be healthy and i want to be fair and good to other people. does this preclude passion?

why do i no longer feel much passion? i just feel sadness when i think of men, i feel like the way that you feel when someone offers you a good job and you have to take it, because it's a good job. and people need good jobs. jobs they can do. maybe there has just been too much passion and love, too much desire, and i take it for granted now.

but there have been times where i stayed up and took pictures of him while he slept in the moonlight. where i walked through the cold, shaking, because i needed to be with a person but when i was there i was so nervous i kept shaking and realized it wasn't the cold that had caused my tremor. when the way someone smelled caused me to want unspeakable things to happen and i pursued them. when a feeling seemed worth dropping everything, worth destroying. worth leaving something else. now it's all just a game of consequences and rewards. i suppose it always has been, but lately the consequences never seem worth it anymore. and the rewards are rather vague.

perhaps it is as i have always feared. people lose passion when they become older. maybe i am grooming to be stable and secure so that i can provide a safety net for the passionate times of others, such as my own children. or maybe passion is just not sustainable.

more later.

seeya.