29 January 2004; 11:30 AM
needs
i have a few needs right now. here they are:
- dancing
- the company of women, poets, writers, artists, and spiritual people
- nature, specifically trees
- the ocean
- yoga
- meditation
- time alone
27 January 2004; 10:04 PM
stephen fucking rocks
stephen sent me vegan macaroons from urban forage in SF because he FUCKING ROCKS. i feel so loved!!! i am so happy!!!!
in other news, it is snowing like fuck, i'm supposed to be working on my paper and oliver is about to take the internet away so i'll actually do it (though he says it is because he wants to 'mess with wireless'), i want to start my dreads again, my job just got more interesting, and yesterday i put a bank card in a slot and then the wall spit money at me!!! and it was my money!! and i can spend it!!!!
*mouthfulofmacaroon*
27 January 2004; 10:00 PM
change
this is the hardest thing i have ever done. it seems so much time has passed already but i still cry so much.23 January 2004; 10:47 PM
dream with me
there are a lot of things to do, but you don't have to do them all right now.
it's ok not to have a perfect life. it's ok that the little things you desire aren't all happening at once. it's ok that your skin is breaking out, that none of your clothes are what you imagined you'd wear at this time in this place, that you need a brow wax, that you need your teeth cleaned. it's ok that the bedroom is messy, that the cat is shedding on the piles of clothes right now as we are here reading and writing this.
revelations come suddenly, mid stride. the city is a pulsing womb, closing in on you, either cradling you or desperately containing you as you strive to escape, to grow bigger than what alternately feels too vast or too small.
you have nothing to be ashamed of. maybe you felt wrong while you did these foreign things - eating food you said you wouldn't, feeling ways that are new and seemed impossible two weeks ago. you don't want to give up on what you understand 'good' to be from the only times you've felt it in the past. the tunnel vision means safety, it means the only way that you recognize is the one you've made.
it's ok to get older. it's ok to be in love and it's ok to not know what that even means. it's ok to love people even when they are gone. it's ok to be sad. it's ok to be happy too. it's ok to want to be better. it's ok to try.
...
i'm starting to feel like i can love you all again. the storm could be passing - i don't want to say that too soon and jinx myself. but i imagine you in your beds and in your homes. places i am familiar with. and the sensitivity and fear is draining out of me, i'm not so busy worrying what you think of me that i can't trust you enough to just love you. i know why it wasn't working before, why nothing worked, and it has nothing to do with anyone's love but my own, for myself.
in my visions i am made of thousands of tiny pieces and sometimes i find that some of them are missing and they float to me through the air in the form of ideas and revelations. and i snap the missing pieces in where they go and in this way i build myself.
...
positive things about work:
- listen to as much music as i want
- sit by window
- hear horses clip clop by from the park
- near the park
- good nonstarbucks coffee very nearby, with soy
- across the street from carnegie hall
- in nyc
- easy
- big monitor
- free pretzels
- close to sony music building
- close to trump tower
- close to the f train
- not the only vegan
- office mate has very peaceful photos on his desk
- did i mention it's easy
- they pay me
23 January 2004; 11:29 AM
mundane update
woke up this morning and it was really cold in my room. around 7am. yoko was laying on me. she isn't doing well. she won't eat. wondering if i had better take her back to her dad in sf. the vet speculates some kind of urinary tract infection but i don't know. she needs a lot of attention and love. i feel miserable and sad when i look at her. i opened my new york bank account. very exciting. there is even money in it. finally starting to feel like i have the possibility of being somewhat financially stable this year. maybe not in any long term way (i'm not sure how it is that people manage to do things like buy houses. i think you have to win the lottery.), but able to afford to just exist, which is saying a lot. it's weird how some days things are just easier than others. i go through days and days of freaking out, then sudden waves of calm acceptance.22 January 2004; 06:04 PM
i must have been sleeping when you called
new york city has felt good. in seattle, someone told me to wear the stone black tourmaline to repel the really bad shit that sometimes comes to you on the subway. like the horse eyed woman. i happened to have some little tiny pillars of tourmaline that fit into my earlobes. it really feels good to wear the earth.
i'm trying not to feel negative and judgemental about new york. i remember being here was my choice. it has been really hard at times. i miss san francisco. but i want to swim forward into my future full of light, and expand to accept new york for what it is, for what my place is in it, in this time i've decided to be here. it is really scary in some ways. i'm scared to let go of peter and of the idea of going home. but i realize that even though i will go back to SF at some point, walking into the past is never an option. i just hope that i can grow in ways here that will help me appreciate the next place my nomadic ass lands.
it is really fun to be really loving and open and nice to people in new york. really really fun. and easier than closing off, for me.
20 January 2004; 11:36 AM
mars in the 7th
today, a man got on the subway with a rubbermaid tub strapped to a cart. the tub was filled with ice. no idea.
i heard a little girl playing 'i spy'. that was one of my favorites when i was little. it made me smile. then i wondered, why do kids make us smile. i think it's because it's comforting to know that there are little people out there who haven't gone through all the crap we have. yet.
i'm kind of depressed. slept a lot last night. 12 hours.
my stuff gets here tonight and though i'm happy to have my stuff, i'm sure it will make me sad on some level too.
18 January 2004; 07:07 PM
tim
your mother lives with her second husband. the house where they live has a beautiful handmade inlaid wooden door, an overgrown frontyard, and a gravel alley behind it. mint grows wild in the backyard, around the edges of the ramshackle building that is his woodshop. your arian mother uses red henna in her long long hair. she is a sprite, a little wood princess. she likes certain things. she takes a long bath almost every night, and she is fiery, a known force around town. her cheeks are rosy and her eyes sparkle, very much like yours do. the guest room has soft pink sheets on the bed, and a quilt. there are lily pads floating in the fountains in the living room - she made them from things they found in the junkyard. she loves water plants, lilies, and folk art. in the summer nights, with the crickets chirping, he sings to her as they get ready for bed. the song is like a native american lament, but it is his lullaby to her. while he sings, somewhere out between the houses, someone like you is learning some of what you learned there, crunching along the gravel alley and finding beauty in the orchard - gazing at the water tower and the grain silos and the abandoned tracks.12 January 2004; 08:38 PM
great pacific northwest
seattle is beautiful. i'm not even in seattle, i'm in a suburb, but today on my way to lunch i looked upon the glory and majesty of mt rainier, across the sprawl. i feel comfortable here, more comfortable than i felt last time i visited. it's a relief to be in an element i understand for a few days.
the mountain made me think about how small we are and how long time is. someday, we'll all be dead, and the mountain will still tower.
realized something about my propensity for dreaming lately - less space-time during the day makes for more subconcious permutations in the sleep. my mind has so much to work out, thoughts and visions, and it will do that when given the time. if not in meditation or concious laying about for dreamy staring at the wall, then during my dreams. that is alright. thank you, mind, for working so hard.
i feel very calm and thankful today. the anger and sadness has dissipated some - things are still sad but i feel calm and confident. today in a moment of extreme peace i lay on the bed in the hotel room and just felt right. it was all right, there was no question for now, just patience and acceptance. it is major for me to have a few moments where i'm not questioning, not fighting. perhaps this is the calm given to me by looking at the trees and the mountain, or by coming here to symposium where i am working toward something that is just for me. or the combination of those things. maybe just the sense of wellbeing brought on by visiting the health food store where it's all as it should be, and eating an enormous enormous enormous vegan veggie sandwich.
i hope i can maintain some of this as i re-enter the chaos of nyc. i must create physical safety and order around me there, especially where food is concerned.
now i have to go and forage for some dinner. it's kind of weird but i'm really craving ramen. i think i'll go with that.
ps. even with school and work i have found that i'm thinking a lot more and writing a lot more now. a very very good sign.
11 January 2004; 08:13 PM
at JFK
updating from the glory of the jetblue wireless network in JFK. jetblue really knows what they are doing. i am the demographic. i have been targeted. i submit. i lay down. i am ready. please, take my money.
my boots are still unlaced from the security line.
i'm on my way to seattle to take part in my kepler symposium. i'm excited! i'm sharing a room with a tattoo'd vegan and that makes me totally happy. i like having subculture pals. she also happens to be totally saving my ass on hotel money too, which is awesome.
first week of work was good. major satisfaction from getting up early and nice subway rides, despite the horse-eyed woman from the other side who gave me my first glimpse of the dark magic available in nyc. been thinking about magic a lot lately since reading the arthur interview with alan moore. it gives me great comfort to accept the world in the ways he describes - it's not a new concept but his dedication reminds me of my own instincts.
the nightmare is still with me, as are a few other moments which are all points on the same continuum. i'm interested in recording and exploring the beauty of these dark things. when i think of the dream, i understand that some parts of it didn't come from inside my own subconcious. do you know that feeling? when you realize a dream or vision has come to you from some larger than yourself. maybe you accidentally tapped into something, or maybe it was just time for you to see something you've always had access to. i'm comforted by the latticework. it seems strong in new york - the energy of the people and all the manmade things which hold energy. trees & plants & ocean cannot hold memories the way buildings can.
i'm glad to be going back to the west, just for this week. i enjoy nyc and the east coast, as a person floating somewhere above it, watching. the west, however, is my home. home, is, of course, transitory for me. home is where i feel safe, and in that way i have some kind of home in brooklyn right now. but home, i mean, Home, is where people become so intoxicated by the beauty of the cliffs over the ocean that they build houses upon them. even though they know the mudslides will come, the fires, the earthquakes, all the catastrophes will come someday but it doesn't matter because right now it's just so beautiful and they want to live overlooking all that beauty. i understand that. the west. coyote met him.
the lovely miss alana is telling me things on icb. she always comforts me a lot. file under "good taurus."
now, airplane.
11 January 2004; 05:45 AM
undercurrent
around 6AM this morning:
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. he was giving me what seemed like a tour of the room, felt like a women's bathroom. but he made me climb through a deep/long and flat slit in the wall. the slit was lined, looked like something like a japanese capsule hotel bed or maybe like the plush inside of a nice briefcase or car interior. it was beige. when i was mostly inside he said, welcome to the wedding chapel. i never saw his face. at this point he did what i can only describe as 'eat me alive.' but he was suddenly a many limbed voracious snake next to me, standing over me as i lay down, trying to fight him off. his tentacles invaded and destroyed me as visions of horror flashed through the dream. most vivid: a black and white internally lit diagram of human vivisection accompanied by someone screaming "he's eating people alive in there," and a vision of myself falling backward into a shallow pool of blood with some bloodied slimy part of him or myself in my mouth. it sounds like 'evil dead 2' but i assure you it was nothing so cheerful as that. i could not fight him off. i usually know i am dreaming and stop things. this time the dream won. i tried and failed. i feel sick.
09 January 2004; 09:49 AM
left vs right
i am holding on to at least two of my san francisco ideals, despite the fact that when an SUV cut me off the crosswalk yesterday i yelled "FUCKIN ASSHOLE!!"
1. i will not, i repeat, WILL NOT, go to starbucks for any reason.
2. when i am in a business establishment, waiting my turn for something, i am in line. i am not "on line".
i'm sure there are more. will update as they occur to me. there are definitely more complex ones like, hey, i'm a vegan astrologer, but that's another entry.
ps. i was listening to cat power almost exclusively up until yesterday. you know what that is about. break up music. i've moved to the next level and now all i want is modest mouse and the pixies.
08 January 2004; 07:56 PM
geek + subway
two agendas today.
1. geek
2. subway story
choose one or both:
geek:
as you may or may not know, i am a unix person. boy do i love unix. i love to type commands. i also really love CVS. i love CVS so much that when egg asks me CVS questions, i get very excited while answering them. and jealous of her. i make no claims about the technical usefulness or excellence of CVS, none whatsoever. i personally just very much enjoy using it. it pleases me.
that said.
i have begun my full time job in midtown manhattan. sometimes, i wonder who i am right after i say that. now is one of those times. anyway, they are a windows shop. oh, are they ever. activex, people.
my original plan was, i would ask them for a mac and then concoct some sort of whack samba scheme to get to the network. then, i would use one of the unix interfaces to visual source safe (VSS), the microsoft version version control software they use.
upon arrival i was presented with a windows box, and ultimately i decided that was ok. here is what i've done: i installed cygwin, which gives me a unix shell environment on windows. it took me all morning to figure out how to get it to let me use the shell i like. i will not disclose said shell here because every sysadmin in the world likes to give me shit for it, and i feel i may have gotten my fair share at this point.
anyway, after i set it up and fixed all the probs with my shell and rc file and all that, i set the VSS folder as my path and i can now use the command line interface to VSS in cygwin, thus simulating an environment not too different than using CVS in a terminal. rock on. now i don't have to click stuff like 5 times just to check out a file. i am super psyched about this. and very proud of myself. i, of course, got a lot of help doing this. but i'm still proud of myself.
end geek.
subway.
i resolved to start writing down or otherwise documenting more of the things i see each day to and from work, and around NYC. i have come to take city weirdness for granted, and that's not good. taking anything for granted isn't good. so here is a subway story.
i got on the F train home later than usual, and it was more crowded than it has been at my stop. i was looking around for a seat. i spotted an empty one next to a person. part of the process of elimation of seating choices involves looking at the person you will have to sit next to. i did this. bad idea.
the person next to the empty seat was an old woman. she looked like a plasticine corpse. her hair was pulled back and her skin was stretched tightly over her bones and very very white. many veins were visible in the only exposed flesh: her face and hands. she stared intensely upward with enormous round wet black eyes, like those of a horse. looking upon her made my chest seize with fear. i must have looked startled. i was not prepared for her. i actually ran past her.
normally, when i see someone stare worthy on public transit, i surreptitiously stare at them. this includes the morbidly obese, mentally disabled, beautiful women, among others. i enjoy looking at that which is ugly. normally, i find beauty in the horror of the human condition. i could not have stared at this woman if i tried. i want to never be near her or look at her again.
i realize that from my description she doesn't sound so scary. i have ridden a lot of public transit with a lot of freaks, but i have never had a feeling like the one this woman gave me. from my relatively safe location on the other side of the car, i wondered if she was real or even human.
now, two hours later, i wonder if i saw her at all, or if anyone else did.
...
[17:11] <*bcm*> you know stephen king says that sometimes you can see dead people
[17:11] <*bcm*> walking the streets of new york
[17:11] <*bcm*> the vagrant dead
[17:11] <*bcm*> who haven't figured out they're dead yet
/m bcm thanks, that is very helpful
05 January 2004; 02:43 PM
on this day
today, it seems that maybe things can just be ok.
02 January 2004; 10:51 PM
tidal
ah. my days go from good to bad to good to bad again. i wish i had time to write out a list of things i need to remember about my feelings. some unfinished problems.
went to the nypl to try and get some research done for my overdue paper. i have a couple of days left to finish two papers. time is a problem. i'm totally failing right now. the nypl is like the DMV, with books. lines and forms. took me three hours to look at 4 books. one of which was useless to me.
tried to wait around manhattan to have dinner with stephen but just kept getting more and more upset about time. he finally called and i finally gave up and went home to brooklyn.
by the time i got home at 10, was panicked. decided to have chai and stay up and crank a paper out, but my mood was so awful and i was so upset by that ttime that focus was difficult. held it together for a couple of phone calls, then decided to sleep. sleeping turned into pathetic sobbing as it has lately, and now i'm awake again.
considering becoming gothic.
when it gets like this i think i should just drop out of school. even though school is the only thing i really WANT to do. i'm having such a terrible time focusing on it through all the sadness and upheaval. i really have no idea how it's possible that i will be able to get through school and work fulltime in midtown, much less feed myself or give the people i care about the attention they deserve. it feels really impossible. i will either brute force a way or i will give up.
tonight, i just want to give up. i guess i have no choice but to live with myself, lower my standards, and accept reality. if i fail at this, there will be no point of anything anymore. so instead of getting my cat hair covered clothes off the floor, making time to get healthy vegan foods into the house or otherwise homemake, i am going to eat falafel and pb&j and bagels with tofutti. until i can do otherwise. which may be a while away. and try to focus on school and work. one day i'll have a routine and there will suddenly be time to make my life comfortable and nice again. when that will be, i have no fucking clue.
...
i guess i should discuss NYE. even though i feel shitty. it was a good night. lots of people that i enjoyed talking to. i didn't get drunk, i just kind of forgot to drink. we watched fireworks over brooklyn and the statue of liberty, from the roof. nick yelled TWO THOUSAND AND MORE which was totally dorky and endearing.
i had some new years resolutions but thinking of them now totally depresses me. but i did enjoy chanting the hanuman chaleesa with krishna das on new years day. presad (is that how you spell it) was hersheys kisses and garbanzo beans. love.
