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02 January 2004; 10:51 PM

tidal

ah. my days go from good to bad to good to bad again. i wish i had time to write out a list of things i need to remember about my feelings. some unfinished problems.

went to the nypl to try and get some research done for my overdue paper. i have a couple of days left to finish two papers. time is a problem. i'm totally failing right now. the nypl is like the DMV, with books. lines and forms. took me three hours to look at 4 books. one of which was useless to me.

tried to wait around manhattan to have dinner with stephen but just kept getting more and more upset about time. he finally called and i finally gave up and went home to brooklyn.

by the time i got home at 10, was panicked. decided to have chai and stay up and crank a paper out, but my mood was so awful and i was so upset by that ttime that focus was difficult. held it together for a couple of phone calls, then decided to sleep. sleeping turned into pathetic sobbing as it has lately, and now i'm awake again.

considering becoming gothic.

when it gets like this i think i should just drop out of school. even though school is the only thing i really WANT to do. i'm having such a terrible time focusing on it through all the sadness and upheaval. i really have no idea how it's possible that i will be able to get through school and work fulltime in midtown, much less feed myself or give the people i care about the attention they deserve. it feels really impossible. i will either brute force a way or i will give up.

tonight, i just want to give up. i guess i have no choice but to live with myself, lower my standards, and accept reality. if i fail at this, there will be no point of anything anymore. so instead of getting my cat hair covered clothes off the floor, making time to get healthy vegan foods into the house or otherwise homemake, i am going to eat falafel and pb&j and bagels with tofutti. until i can do otherwise. which may be a while away. and try to focus on school and work. one day i'll have a routine and there will suddenly be time to make my life comfortable and nice again. when that will be, i have no fucking clue.

...

i guess i should discuss NYE. even though i feel shitty. it was a good night. lots of people that i enjoyed talking to. i didn't get drunk, i just kind of forgot to drink. we watched fireworks over brooklyn and the statue of liberty, from the roof. nick yelled TWO THOUSAND AND MORE which was totally dorky and endearing.

i had some new years resolutions but thinking of them now totally depresses me. but i did enjoy chanting the hanuman chaleesa with krishna das on new years day. presad (is that how you spell it) was hersheys kisses and garbanzo beans. love.