«« | »»

27 February 2005; 02:37 AM

god i feel like shit.

god i feel like shit. my body is a fucking broken fat piece of crap. i'm in terrible shape and it's not getting any better. the fibroid has started a new game - causing my left leg to ache and hurt horribly for the two days of ovulation. excellent. so on top of the fucking awful hormonal psychosis and depression that comes with PMS, the cramps, the heavy chunky disgusting abnormal periods, now i get to hurt and wake up in pain during ovulation also. it seems like there will never be a time when i have a break from the nightmare of my hormones. i know that if i would just exercise more and get out of bed earlier, i would be so much better, but i haven't been able to motivate. i feel terrible about myself because of it. i feel like i'm always fighting to make myself happy again so that my body will follow suit... and never making any progress. i am angry. what am i supposed to do about this? why didn't my veganism, my yoga, my dancing, omega, astrology, keep me from this? why do i have to end up like my mother? i feel so ashamed of myself for having things wrong with me, for not working hard enough to make myself better, for sleeping too much, for being so isolated, for being in a couple, for riding around in a car, for never having any time to myself, for not making art, for not dancing, for not even trying to be anything but a boring whiny hag.

sorry to be like this.

someone just sent me a really wonderful email, too.

i wish that anything i felt was real and not easily ignored due to the fact that it's just caused by the hormonal dip that happens after ovulation is over.

homework.