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14 February 2005; 11:45 AM

health insurance woes

a couple of weeks ago when i hurt my hand, i went to the ER. it hurt so much and i was crying and upset and delerious with pain, so i thought i did something really bad to it. so i went to the ER, just to get an x-ray in case it was busted real bad. once i was there and calmed down i started to realize i probably just sprained it. i should have left when i realized, but i stayed.

they didn't do anything, but xray it and tell me it wasn't broken. they didn't have a brace or anything for me. they prescribed me some painkillers, which i don't ever take (when i got my wisdom teeth out, i took advil). i was there for five hours, waiting.

on saturday, i got a bill for the whole fiasco. i haven't reached my thousand dollar deductible yet, so the result is that i now owe $640 to the st luke's ER.

i am really sad. i am really broke and can't afford this. i'm especially sad because i had an extra $600 coming to me for some contract work, and i was really looking forward to having some extra cash to use to get stuff for the house, pay back some debts, and generally breathe with. but now, i have to give it to the ER for a totally fruitless and pointless visit.

i am angry, because this is one of many times i have had health insurance fail me and fuck me over. i am still dealing with a three year old bill from a service that should have been covered, but wasn't due to stupid clerical errors on the part of the insurance companies. every couple of weeks i sit on the phone for a few hours and try to get it taken care of. and every month or so a really horrible angry person from a collections agency in sacramento calls me and screams at me for not paying it.

i feel like that people who are able to deal with "the system," -- things like paperwork and medical bills and legal issues and beaurocracy -- look down on people like me who seem to have problems with it. i feel like i try hard to live up to the various requirements of living in a cold systemized society - taxes, health insurance, paperwork, voicemail menus. but in the end, the system has rarely taken care of me. i feel ashamed of myself for stupidly trusting insurance over and over again, only to be fucked over. i am angry with myself for not leaving the ER when i realized i was ok.

in addition, i am sad because when i look at the big picture of my financial status, the truth of the matter is that i'm living paycheck to paycheck, have a lot of debt that doesn't seem like it will get paid off in this lifetime, and have no obvious hope of ever buying my own home in a city that i want to live in, or creating any financial security for myself. it's fine for now, i am mostly healthy, can take care of myself, and feed myself and pay my rent. but if i were to lose my job, or lose oliver (who helps me a lot), or lose my apartment, or have a serious expensive medical problem like being hit by a car or getting cancer, i would be in dire straights immediately with nothing to fall back on.

most people don't stop to think about what it must be like for someone who has been buffted around so much that they can't play by the rules of the system. homeless people who have no ID, social security card, or bank account. imagine trying to do anything without your ID. imagine trying to create any security for yourself with no "line of credit." this is why some people really need to count on other people for help -- because they can't navigate the complex, cold, and demanding system of voicemail menus and faxed written requests that is involved with doing many of the things required of life in this society.

generally, i think that people who are good at managing these types of beaurocratic situations, and can ride and manipulate the system, have a responsiblity to help people who can't. but maybe i'm a communist.

anyway i'm sad and broke and angry.

bye.