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24 February 2005; 04:36 PM

note about financial issues

well, it's all falling on my head again. bills, insurance issues, and vicious resurfacing tax debt. it's a goddamn financial war zone over here.

and you know what?

i'm not taking any more shit where money is concerned.

capitalism has been flattening my heart and mind for years. as saturn (the planet of structure, lessons, and hard work) moves into my 8th house (the house of taxes and other societal debt), i begin to do fierce smouldering battle with my various financial problems. this doesn't mean that i'm agreeing to play the game - i'm not. i'm just ready to fight back against the bullshit instead of trying to pretend it doesn't exist. i won't join the side of capitalism, i won't chase, but i will hold my ground in reality here.

the idea of trying to fight saturn (earth & tangible things) from my usual vantage point of mercury/neptune is ridiculous. i have been trying for years. it's the feeling of trying to fit a key in a lock, but the key dissolves into thin air before you can get it in. you want to believe that just completely disagreeing with the state of the physical world can make the physical world not exist. that doesn't work. so for some short and fierce period of time, i will fight this war in the real world, if only to prove that i can.

it may be true that i was somehow born into a karmic situation where money and debt is concerned. in some way it's spiritual, and from the outside it may look like laziness. but i'm telling you, it's just bad luck. where other people must make one phone call to deal with a money problem, i must make 10. it just works out that way. i don't know why, but if the monetary system is going to do battle with me on the karmic plane, that's fine, i'm just tired of losing.

it's definitely a healing process.