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16 March 2005; 10:04 PM

list of thoughts to recall

came home in a seriously pensive mood.

items to note:

- i have noticed that my writing has been very bad lately. i have had a really difficult time expressing ideas with confidence.

- today i thought about how as i get older and more interested in respect or being taken seriously, i am less interested in posting half baked emotional insights here. that seems like a positive evolution.

- i have felt very introverted and almost "trapped" inside my body and mind lately, especially when i have been communicating with others. it manifests at times as extreme feelings of awkwardness or social anxiety, but it also can feel overwhelmingly like literally being trapped or choking, or a sense of extreme desire which has no obvious outlet. sort of like the "i have no mouth and i must scream" idea. it seems to be affecting my relationship to my body and the physical world also.

- today as i ate a prepackaged "enchilada wrap" in the hallway of a bleak builing at CCSF, i considered that i often think of how much better things are going to be later on. this is a classic pitfall. it seems particularly erroneous to me, because i can remember times when that was certainly not a way i would think. there is some kind of escapism occuring there, and it should be kept under surveillance.

- another thing i realized today at CCSF is that i'm fine with attending classes merely for the sake of learning. though i do have some ideas about ultimate paths or goals, i also just very much enjoy schooling, and am happy with continuing it in whichever context strikes me as interesting.

- it is time for my recurring reminder that life is not something to battle against.