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14 March 2005; 09:57 PM

the problem of evil

finished "my year of meats" today. a disturbing book. it described a lot of different types of pain that people and animals endure. beatings, death, loss, confusion. it also contained lots of discussion of fertility, and lack of it, and what that means. it also featured men treating women horribly, and people filled with longing and anger. reading it has made me so lonely for something that feels complete and right. some way to separate myself from all the awful things in the book.

came home in a sad and lonely mood and made dinner. as i sat down to eat, i heard sounds coming from outside. it's trash night and some poor fellow was having his dinner out of our garbage can. i considered going down and bringing him some food but wasn't sure whether it was the right thing or if i could really handle it. then had that whole thought process where you wonder why you do anything in life that doesn't involve helping other people -- feeding them. but still ultimately being too selfish to actually devote yourself to feeding people.

while i was still feeling sad and confused about that, i clicked on a livejournal post in one of the communities i look at there. it was a post from a woman about the three month anniversary of a stillbirth. further back in her journals, pictures of her stillborn son's cold little perfect face. the pregnancy had been normal, it was unexpected. i felt a huge wave of sadness for her and the longing and emptiness she must be feeling.

all these things bring to mind some hot questions from my phil-4 class:

let's assume there is a God (in the judeo-christian sense), and He is, as purported, all knowing, all powerful, and all good. he loves us. then:

even if evil IS soul building

why is there so much evil?
and
why is it so grotesque?