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28 April 2005; 01:02 AM

eating toast at midnight, alone.

eating toast at midnight, alone. i'm eating the toast so my stomach has something to pad the advil i have to take so i can sleep through the night. leg pain, maybe probably related to estrogen. cried so hard today.. there was no tree i could find so i found a beautiful fractal hedge and stood as closely to it as possible. i've got no comfort left. i used to have an easy obsessive thought memory process i could go to when things were bad. a gentle meditation on the past, on him, or on how a certain corner of a room of my old home once looked. i would focus on it and it would make me insane with grief. then i learned that i could not think this way, that it was hurting me, hurting you, hurting the now, hurting possibilities for the future. so i worked very very hard to stop, and to ask for help from the present. but the help and new comfort never came.. slowly, it started to, but now it is gone, maybe forever. so now i'm all alone here in bed with my toast and my tears.