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28 May 2005; 11:35 AM

gloom and doom

the weather has me depressed. oliver left early for san diego for the weekend, and i woke up alone and had no recollection of him leaving. i feel lost and confused and lonely now, in my abstracted flat ugly neighborhood that seems so far from everything. also to add to it i'm beating up on myself for not being able to figure out what to do with my morning without oliver around - am i becoming one of those women?

the fantasy world inside my head has become pretty complex. it seems i spend most of my time thinking about what i will do later, and how nice it will be, or hating myself for a whole litany of things i haven't done or can't do. and laying in bed in various stages of despair surrounding that. i know i should live in the moment or whatever, but recently i was feeling the most present i had in so long and i still had a creeping feeling of things being really not ok, and of my life not being worth much.

i have been doing lots of stuff outside of that back and forth, but it's what i think of now. i finished up school, for the most part, and i have been seeing an amazing healer/chiropractor and that is helping me a lot. as much as i have dissed the concept of 'healing' in my life, sometimes you do need help.

speaking of, heidi is helping me out of the house to the ferry building where the good saturday things happen, where i can have coffee!! which i'm sure will be good. first i want to make a smoothie with this pineapple we have.