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14 May 2005; 05:43 PM

life, goals, general update.

today, it seems very simple: i'm getting older every day. i just want to enjoy my life. i want to do good work, have enough food to eat and take care of my health and my body. i want to make art in whatever ways i can, even if it's just to draw pictures in my journal with crayons. doing artistic things is the most soothing thing in the world to me, and when i'm navigating some kind of artistic output it seems that the rest of the world drops away. today, it was singing, but it could be anything. there are some things i'm not too interested in, like wall street and what happens there, for instance. and there are other things that i seem to be made to do. that's ok with me. if it was possible i might just sit in a grassy field with fingerpaints my whole life.

speaking of grassy fields. yesterday, i was a little stressed out and upset. it could have spiraled into something kinda bad but i hung on as best i could and oliver helped a lot. he came and got me and took me to the park, where we walked through nature and i was free to talk about devic gardening, hold trees, and throw myself into the grass. i felt the stress and fear fall away. when the hormones start to take hold, buildings and computers seem to be the least helpful items. nature, with its soft edges, is the right place. it was such a relief to not need to freak out.

today is hard to describe. we woke up to discover that the car was hit while it was parked outside. it's in pretty bad shape. i'm not sure how to feel, i keep trying to say "god that's so shitty" but it doesn't strike me as shitty in the normal 'angry at humanity for being so awful' way i usually feel about these things. i'm just disturbed at the jarring nature of the event and very sad to not have our special car which we like to drive around in. and worried about money and frustration surrounding fixing it.

:(