06 June 2005; 09:38 PM
bed of quartz
this is incoherent:
soaring through this weird haze of sudafed and claritin and sneezing and sneezing. the rain comes down in nyc. the day was full of brave moments of combining the contents of the secret compartments of my heart. (close your eyes and pour, hope for the best). externally it all seems so shallow - the world is a hollow place, the television blares, and i wonder if you know that i'm talking about my new shoes but thinking about, i don't know, heaven and hell, or the nuances of relationships, the way hands move. all these beautiful details that fly too fast to express between explaining what train to take, what time it is, and what the plans and obligations are. realizations find their time to creep in, between the raindrops at 4am. i'm staring at the clock while you sleep, sweating, thinking, trying to pry my own heart open.
we talked last night about the idea that when i want love and approval so badly, maybe it's best that i go out and give it, instead. to let go of what you desire, to give it away, might be the solution. later i thought, wow, do unto others, i guess it's really that simple. how would i feel if you were acting the way i was? fuck, yesterday, i would have fucking hated it.
it's really weird to feel and think so much but not be able to talk about it during all those normal times. when we're, like, on the bus, or grocery shopping or writing checks or whatever. i know things can't be deep all the time, but how do people manage to exist without just constantly checking in about how magical things are all the time? and really, what about checking in about the intricate glorious detail of our perceptions? maybe i don't even need to talk about it, i just need a signal that you're here with me, that the subtlety isn't my own to bear.
and besides that, when am i going to stop selling myself short? and when am i going to stop being afraid? could it be right now? maybe now would be a good time for that.
to honor everything, if just by noticing
