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22 August 2005; 08:17 PM

dr. sleep

went to an amazing wedding this weekend. i hooped in my dress while holding a parasol. pictures forthcoming. we slept in a tent, hung out with some trees, swam, got in a hot tub, danced, ate delicious food, saw the stars and moon. i caught the bouquet. everything was so easy that it was strange and dreamlike. i felt like i was growing up because usually in social situations like huge community weddings i feel embarassed like 80% of the time, like i should apologize for being so dumb, or like i said something laughable. but i realized, at the wedding, during a solitary walk from the bathroom, that i didn't feel that way hardly at all over the weekend. i just felt ok, unapologetic, and happy. it's very strange to me when things are just easy and right - it confuses me. does it mean i'm missing something or fooling myself?

today i woke up feeling sick and still exhausted from barely sleeping and baking in the sun all weekend. took yoko to the vet. got three different kinds of bad news, and work email was down all day. indulged in a ton of coffee and came home early with yoko. hoping to sew tulle ruffles, glue them to newly acquired parasols. imagining giving them away to people who scare me at burning man. peace offerings maybe. but no energy for that, or no spark? maybe i can try again.