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26 January 2008; 12:20 AM

most nights or days, my mind wanders to the time i spent in india. i think about how detached i was from what i was experiencing and how strangely almost violently present i was at the same time. being there was so difficult, physically and emotionally, and yet i long to go back. i want to go back as who i am now, someone who is a single being, no longer experiencing life through the eyes of another, and so much more myself and so much braver. and i also want to go back and have it mean i've gone back in time, to the time Before, before everything was so completely and totally different, before all the madhouse doors opened upon my return.

during this weird transitional time of my life i often find myself desperately wishing to stop time. so many days have been a perfect balance of still hanging onto comforting things from the past while having huge vistas of possibility open to me at the same moment. as i move the slider further toward the new, the old fades out so evenly and so completely that it's sometimes deeply frightening.

i found myself walking home from dinner last night thinking, oh my god, this is just my life now. i'm not going to wake up and it all have been a dream. i'm not going to go back to anything about how it was. the things that i've started will continue to happen, the people i've befriended during this intense time will continue to be here. it hasn't been a dalliance and it isn't a phase. of course it's totally a gift to have my life be what it is now, but it's also totally fucking scary to find myself... still... in it... almost 6 months since the wind changed.