22 March 2008; 01:46 AM
i know more than i knew before
full moon in libra shining down in on san francisco.
7 months since i got home from india.
fell asleep into an intense nap after dinner. woke up groggy, lonesome, texted tamera: "what doing?" and tottered across the street for tea and sleepy hugs and squinting awake and laying-on-the-bed talks about BEING THE SAME about so many things. i'm so grateful that i moved across the street from that gorgeous gnome elf creature who totally understands so much. and who is apparently making me a hat right now!?!
life has been really really busy, my work has picked up and i spend my days in phone calls and emails and busy-ness. i really like it. spring is happening and i have begun to poke my head out of the rough patch of hibernation and sadness i just went through. i have started to see more people and meet more people.
i honestly cannot believe how many layers of healing that i've had to get through since the spectacular dissolution of my last relationship and all of the changes that have happened since then too. i haven't even been consciously working through anything for most of it. like, i haven't been identifying issues and doing the mental work to unravel them, which is my usual mode of dealing. instead, it's just been a daze and a lot of mindless and numb flailing about. and every month that passes i look back at the previous month and realize how much more a shocked fog i was in before. and before and before. i'm slowly slowly slowly waking up from something.
i really am starting to feel whole again, and like i can remember now what sort of love i want to give and receive. i'm no longer having a lot of those weird numb emotions that you know are just masking other, deeper horrors. i'm still hurting but i feel like i've found the center of it and it's authentically what i should be hurting about. i am thawing out.
as the thaw happens i look back on the past few months and feel regret for being so unskillful with people. i just didn't have the capacity. i don't think i was AWFUL but i certainly wasn't present or conscious most of the time. i needed everything that was given to me and i'm so fucking grateful for it.
in other news... i have a new bike! i've been riding it around and getting to know the brakes and the pedals that actually go backwards. it makes me SO HAPPY. also, tomorrow i shall attend the anarchist bookfair with tamera and hear diane diprima read, yaaay! i have been working my butt off on geek work and also making lots of progress with my saturnian task of Getting My Shit Together. i'm a flurry of organizing life's paperwork. taxes and appointments and phone calls. stuff is alright, really.
